I am in the worlds most terrible mood, I am at work and I am raging angry at nothing, so warning, what follows might be rubbish and might not be very nice.
On the day the dragons came the world stopped for an instant. No one noticed, because everything stopped. heartbeats paused, and thoughts hung and sentences were suspended half uttered. And then the world went on again and no one was any the wiser. No one knew when the dragons came, no one knew where they came from, or why they came, or even what they were. No one knew what they looked like. No one knew they were there.
They move in shadows, and are shadows in part. When they are about the world seems bleak and grey, the shadows seem longer and darker. They can make colours stand out brightly against one another. The sweeping and untargetable sadness? that is the dragons. The empty, lonely questions? in them lies the dragons. The futile sourceless anger, the niggling doubt is called out by dragons. When the dragons gaze sweeps over you, your entire body shudders. People say "someone walked over my grave", but the dragons gaze knows more of death than any other, and souls flinch from them.
They come and go, from shadow to shadow, from darkness to darkness, unheralded. We all fight them, some better than others. I do not know if they can be conquered.
But I know there are more now than there were.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Sunday, June 29, 2008
The coming of dragons.
I either love you or I hate you.
Perhaps it is both.
You make me feel used. Its been so long since you treated me like a real person. I will never forget the way I felt when we were talking, and she entered the room and you forgot I existed. I knew in that instant that you were waiting for her. That I was a placeholder, something to fill the space while you waited. It could have been anyone, talking about anything. How little my friendship ever meant to you...
I wonder if I should have known, if there was some sign that I missed that would have given you away. But I was in the dark. Now though, now it is worse. I see nothing but that memory when I look at you. I see it in everything you do, everything you say. It's everywhere. You pretend that I matter, when it suits you; and I honestly believe you think I should be ok with that. I am the cat that you lock outside the house. I thought you loved me once, when I was a kitten... Now I am not sure that you ever cared at all. And for so long that mattered to me. I couldn't think what I had done wrong. So much hurt, so many tears. But now... I still value you, miss you, but now I can pretend too... I think it might be better this way.
I am deep in a different kind of darkness now. I stand here on the battlements of my castle, facing the bitter wind. I am alone, I am cold and I am afraid. I actually need friends now. Real friends, the kind who can actually care about someone else, without needing anything back, the kind who can fight the dragons.
And I don't think you can do that.
Perhaps it is both.
You make me feel used. Its been so long since you treated me like a real person. I will never forget the way I felt when we were talking, and she entered the room and you forgot I existed. I knew in that instant that you were waiting for her. That I was a placeholder, something to fill the space while you waited. It could have been anyone, talking about anything. How little my friendship ever meant to you...
I wonder if I should have known, if there was some sign that I missed that would have given you away. But I was in the dark. Now though, now it is worse. I see nothing but that memory when I look at you. I see it in everything you do, everything you say. It's everywhere. You pretend that I matter, when it suits you; and I honestly believe you think I should be ok with that. I am the cat that you lock outside the house. I thought you loved me once, when I was a kitten... Now I am not sure that you ever cared at all. And for so long that mattered to me. I couldn't think what I had done wrong. So much hurt, so many tears. But now... I still value you, miss you, but now I can pretend too... I think it might be better this way.
I am deep in a different kind of darkness now. I stand here on the battlements of my castle, facing the bitter wind. I am alone, I am cold and I am afraid. I actually need friends now. Real friends, the kind who can actually care about someone else, without needing anything back, the kind who can fight the dragons.
And I don't think you can do that.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Wishes
If wishes were teardrops we would all drown, but there would be no more water shortages.
To someone who does not remember I exist.
I wish that I had done things differently.
I wish that I had spoken instead of waiting.
You would have had the oppertunity to understand me a little better. I don't think the way other people do, you didn't need to worry or put in extra work. The things you feared were not an issue for me.
I had fun. I didn't want anything more from you.
There might still be a space between us but at least it wouldn't be filled with the words that I wish I had said to you but never did.
I have never been a person who wastes time on idle regrets, but if I had a chance to change something, this would be it.
Because I liked you, cared about you, did not want to lose you.
Never wanted this Silence laden with distance and the soft sounds of people who tiptoe around one another.
Your friendship meant a lot to me.
I will probably keep trying to be friends with you. I am sorry if that pains you. But that was all I ever wanted.
I am hopeing that when enough time has passed, you will forget the awkwardness, and that we can rebuild. Because I never had that awkwardness. That is what I should have told you. It didn't mean to me what you thought it did.
To someone who does not remember I exist.
I wish that I had done things differently.
I wish that I had spoken instead of waiting.
You would have had the oppertunity to understand me a little better. I don't think the way other people do, you didn't need to worry or put in extra work. The things you feared were not an issue for me.
I had fun. I didn't want anything more from you.
There might still be a space between us but at least it wouldn't be filled with the words that I wish I had said to you but never did.
I have never been a person who wastes time on idle regrets, but if I had a chance to change something, this would be it.
Because I liked you, cared about you, did not want to lose you.
Never wanted this Silence laden with distance and the soft sounds of people who tiptoe around one another.
Your friendship meant a lot to me.
I will probably keep trying to be friends with you. I am sorry if that pains you. But that was all I ever wanted.
I am hopeing that when enough time has passed, you will forget the awkwardness, and that we can rebuild. Because I never had that awkwardness. That is what I should have told you. It didn't mean to me what you thought it did.
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