I either love you or I hate you.
Perhaps it is both.
You make me feel used. Its been so long since you treated me like a real person. I will never forget the way I felt when we were talking, and she entered the room and you forgot I existed. I knew in that instant that you were waiting for her. That I was a placeholder, something to fill the space while you waited. It could have been anyone, talking about anything. How little my friendship ever meant to you...
I wonder if I should have known, if there was some sign that I missed that would have given you away. But I was in the dark. Now though, now it is worse. I see nothing but that memory when I look at you. I see it in everything you do, everything you say. It's everywhere. You pretend that I matter, when it suits you; and I honestly believe you think I should be ok with that. I am the cat that you lock outside the house. I thought you loved me once, when I was a kitten... Now I am not sure that you ever cared at all. And for so long that mattered to me. I couldn't think what I had done wrong. So much hurt, so many tears. But now... I still value you, miss you, but now I can pretend too... I think it might be better this way.
I am deep in a different kind of darkness now. I stand here on the battlements of my castle, facing the bitter wind. I am alone, I am cold and I am afraid. I actually need friends now. Real friends, the kind who can actually care about someone else, without needing anything back, the kind who can fight the dragons.
And I don't think you can do that.
