aftershock

I know your secret. I know your secret and you didn't tell me yourself, making it even worse.
You were sure I would get upset about it, so you didn't tell me... what, to spare me the pain? Did you not realise I would find out, that I would have to know eventually?
So guess what? Someone else told me instead.
Now, not only am I hurt and distressed and angry with your choice, but I am hurt and upset and angry that you didn't tell me, that you have been withholding the information... basically lieing to me by pretending that nothing had changed.

If you had told me, I would have said I thought it was a bad choice. I would have said that it would effect our friendship a little, that we couldn't go on as normal but that we could still be friends.
Now... I don't actually think we are friends any more. I am not sure... but how can you be friends with someone who lies to you? how can you be friends with someone that you can't trust because they wont tell you the whole truth, and will make decisions that effect you and with-hold the information because they don't want to 'hurt' you, or they don't want you to be able to factor it into your decisions?
You didn't want me to make this choice? You can't influence my decisions any more than I can influence yours, and if you don't respect me enough to let me make my own choices then we aren't friends anyway.

This realisation would have left me curled up on the floor, shaking and sobbing and trying to breathe... but despite your lies and assurances, I admit I have been bracing for it. I have been guessing, from your silence. So I am not in tears yet, I am not shaking yet. I am sad, but I am calm. Maybe I am growing up, or maybe I am becoming jaded - what does it mean when the dissappointments and the betrayals and the lies of the world and the people in it no long leave you in tears and in shock and in pain?

Shift

He cheated on her.
And no one can quite believe it.
He just wasn't "the type", you know?
And suddenly we are in limbo.
If he can cheat on her, how can we be certain about anything? If we didn't see this in him, do we really know any one?
Perspectives shift, and we doubt the world and the people in it.
I hope they work it out though, because for all it is a major, I think they truly love one-another. It was a mistake... But then, what do I know? I never would have dreamed this.

saddest song, part 7

These two songs might not be on everyone's sad song list, but they are on mine.
I don't really have a good explanation for that.

Say goodbye - Dave Matthews Band

And tomorrow
Back to being friends
Lovers...love...lovers
Just for tonight, one night...love you
And tomorrow say goodbye

Even Superman - Ryan Shupe and the Rubberband

Everybody loves and everybody falls and everybody, everybody feels this way
Cause even Superman has kryptonite
Though he tries with all his might
Even Superman falls to his knees
Beggin' "please, please, please, please"
Beggin' "please, please, please, please"

the saddest song, part 6

This song has always been really sad to me.

But I love this rendition, because of his intro...

"Once upon a time a long time ago in a far off land by the
sea there lived a much-maligned dragon. Don't you know that
it was really a pity because--there never was a different
meaning other than the obvious one. But the magic dragon is
only about--the loss of innocence of children. And now you
can tell your friends that you've heard it from the dragon's
father himself. And another thing you'll notice that we are
singing this song earlier in the program than we ever sang
it before. That's because many of the children who used to
come were very young would fall asleep before it was
possible for them to hear it. So all that goes to show that
even after 25 years a group like us can still learn
something new. Sing it with me now..."

But who doesn't get a tear when they hear

A dragon lives forever but not so little boys
Painted wings and giant rings make way for other toys.
One grey night it happened, jackie paper came no more
And puff that mighty dragon, he ceased his fearless roar.
His head was bent in sorrow, green scales fell like rain,
Puff no longer went to play along the cherry lane.
Without his life-long friend, puff could not be brave,
So puff that mighty dragon sadly slipped into his cave. oh!

the saddest song, part 5

I should qualify that these are songs that break my heart, and that means that some of the songs are bittersweet, and some are love gone wrong, and some are about forgetting and some are about not finding what you want or need,and some are about waste, and some are about broken hearts... sometimes the songs that are the saddest to me aren't sad at all to other people, because they resonate with something in me that makes me sad, or remind me of something.

And then there is Blue October, this guy just kills me every moment. I have listened to quite a lot of their songs, but I keep coming back to

Hate me by Blue October

So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

though if you haven't listened to Kangaroo Cry you really should.

And here are a set of songs you might never have heard of...
I'm walking behind you - Eddie Fisher

I'm walking behind you on your wedding day
And I'll hear you promise to love and obey
Though you may forget me, you're still on my mind
Look over your shoulder, I'm walking behind

My mothers father asked for this to be played at her wedding when he passed away (she was 10 years old).

And because they have to be mentioned and so I will do them here and all at once, the irish folk songs.
The green fields of france - the fureys

And Did you leave a wife or a sweetheart behind?
In some faithful heart, is your memory enshrined?
And though you died back in Nineteen-Sixteen,
To that loyal heart you're forever nineteen,
Or are you a stranger without even a name,
Enclosed there forever behind the glass pane,
In an old photograph torn and tattered and stained,
And fading to yellow in a brown leather frame

Molly Malone

She died of a faver and no one could save her
And that was the end of sweet Molly Malone
Now her ghost wheels her barrow
Through streets broad and narrow
Crying, "Cockles and mussels, alive, alive oh"

I will take you home Kathleen

To that dear home beyond the sea
My Kathleen shall again return.
And when thy old friends welcome thee
Thy loving heart will cease to yearn.

The fields of Athenry

By a lonely prison wall I heard a young man calling
Nothing matters, Mary, when you're free
Against the famine and the Crown
I rebelled they cut me down
Now you must raise our child with dignity.

Danny Boy

And if you come, when all the flowers are dying
And I am dead, as dead I well may be
You'll come and find the place where I am lying
And kneel and say an "Ave" there for me.

And this song is personally very bittersweet for me. The first time I heard this song, it was played at a family gathering with my mums mother and her brothers and their families. I remember it was the first time I ever heard my Nanna sing, she had a beautiful voice, and the expression on her face was far away. My pop used to play this song on his accordian, before he passed away, and it held many happy memories for her. I remember her very clearly when I hear this song, and it reminds me how much I miss her.
When irish eyes are smiling

When Irish eyes are smiling
Sure it's like a morning spring.
In the lilt of Irish laughter,
You can hear the angels sing.
When Irish hearts are happy,
All the world seems bright and gay.
And when Irish eyes are smiling,
Sure, they steal your heart away.

I cried writing this post. :)

the saddest song, part 4

I deliberately avoided the question. Even now, I have to fight the urge not to answer it. I keep twitching... It's the first time I have not told the complete truth as soon as I knew it, the first time I have with-held information. It stings a little. I console myself that the truth is known, it is just in denial.

Hard choices for the list today, audioslave and pearl jam both have heart breaking moments. I thought about Like a stone but...

Doesn't remind me - Audioslave

I like studying faces in a parking lot
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like driving backwards in the fog
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

Choosing a Pearl Jam song was shockingly hard. I came down to wishlist, nothingman and elderly women behind a counter in a small town. but in the end

Nothingman - Pearl Jam

once divided...nothing left to subtract...
some words when spoken...can't be taken back...
walks on his own...with thoughts he can't help thinking...
future's above...but in the past he's slow and sinking...
caught a bolt 'a lightnin'...cursed the day he let it go...

Thank you for the contributions, they are going on the list.

The saddest song, part 3

I resolved to only put one Jeff Buckley song on my list, and one Our lady peace song. These were particularly difficult choices. So difficult I may not actually stick to my rule... :p
I miss my cds.

so, song 5 and 6
4am - Our lady peace

And If I don't make it known that
I've loved you all along
Just like sunny days that
We ignore because
We're all dumb and jaded
And I hope to God I figure out
what's wrong

Your winter - Sister Hazel

The grey ceiling on the earth
Well it's lasted for a while
Take my thoughts for what they're worth
I've been acting like a child
In your opinion, and what is that?
It's just a different point of view

the saddest song, part 2

I am mentally preparing myself for purging a friends list or two.
It just hurts too much.

number 4 is
Last goodbye, by Jeff Buckley

This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die.
But it's over
Just hear this and then I'll go:
You gave me more to live for,
More than you'll ever know.
Well, this is our last embrace,
Must I dream and always see your face?
Why can't we overcome this wall?
Baby, maybe it's just because I didn't know you at all.

The saddest song, part 1

Usually, when I am feeling sad, I fight it tooth and nail.

People don't like it when you feel sad. Friends worry about you. People who care try and fix you, or offer you sage advice. And it makes me feel like a failure because I can't be happy like they want or need me to be, and I hate lieing about it, and it just isn't that easy to fix.

So, usually when I am feeling sad, and surrounded by dragons, I fight it tooth and nail. I try to find reasons for it, I try to change things in my life that might be causing it, I fixate and obsess about things to take my mind away from it. I talk to people, not about what I am feeling right now, but about things that have niggled me in the past. And generally I make a fucking mess of things, and end up hurting someone... because I am wrong, or because I am right but I do it badly, or because what I am doing doesn't actually matter, doesn't need to be said. I try not to do this, but somehow it happens.
And then I fixate on the horrible mess I have made, and it makes me sad, and I cry some, and then I fixate on it some more... I am sick of making other people confused or hurt or sad.

My current plan is to collect a list of the saddest songs every written. In my opinion.
The first song on my list is
The carnival is over, by the seekers

"Now the harbour light is calling
This will be our last goodbye
Though the carnival is over
I will love you till I die"

And the second song is
Hurt, by Johnny Cash

"And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt"

And the third is
Fire and rain, by James Taylor

"Just yesterday morning they let me know you were gone
Susanne the plans they made put an end to you
I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song
I just can't remember who to send it to
I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again"

Please feel free to pass on any suggestions.

time out

I saw a dragon today. I can't deal with dragons right now. I have too much work to do, and lots of time management going on.
I wonder if the dragons will let me call a time out?