People don't like it when you feel sad. Friends worry about you. People who care try and fix you, or offer you sage advice. And it makes me feel like a failure because I can't be happy like they want or need me to be, and I hate lieing about it, and it just isn't that easy to fix.
So, usually when I am feeling sad, and surrounded by dragons, I fight it tooth and nail. I try to find reasons for it, I try to change things in my life that might be causing it, I fixate and obsess about things to take my mind away from it. I talk to people, not about what I am feeling right now, but about things that have niggled me in the past. And generally I make a fucking mess of things, and end up hurting someone... because I am wrong, or because I am right but I do it badly, or because what I am doing doesn't actually matter, doesn't need to be said. I try not to do this, but somehow it happens.
And then I fixate on the horrible mess I have made, and it makes me sad, and I cry some, and then I fixate on it some more... I am sick of making other people confused or hurt or sad.
My current plan is to collect a list of the saddest songs every written. In my opinion.
The first song on my list is
The carnival is over, by the seekers
"Now the harbour light is calling
This will be our last goodbye
Though the carnival is over
I will love you till I die"
And the second song is
Hurt, by Johnny Cash
"And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt"
And the third is
Fire and rain, by James Taylor
"Just yesterday morning they let me know you were gone
Susanne the plans they made put an end to you
I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song
I just can't remember who to send it to
I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again"
Please feel free to pass on any suggestions.
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