Midnight

Ok, it's not actually midnight. It is pushing on 2am infact. I am trying to write the abstract for my thesis seminar and I am just not inspired at all. I am looking about for an epiphany, something that will magically make my work finished so I can go to bed. I could just go to bed, I suppose, but that would be abmitting defeat.

Struggling to write this makes me think about all the other things I am struggling to write. Things that safely live in my bedroom at present where I can't be distracted by them when I should be working. Things that live less safely in my brain...

Focus. Focus, focus, focus, focus, focus.

After great pain a formal feeling comes--
The nerves sit ceremonious like tombs;
The stiff Heart questions--was it He that bore?
And yesterday--or centuries before?

The feet, mechanical, go round
A wooden way
Of ground, or air, or ought,
Regardless grown,
A quartz contentment, like a stone.

This is the hour of lead
Remembered if outlived,
As freezing persons recollect the snow--
First chill, then stupor, then the letting go.
~ Emily Dickenson

Moving on

I was right. Unpacking items that have been in storage is a lot like christmas, the opening of unidentified boxes and the revealing of unanticipated items, the surprise, the delight, the occasional horror. It's also been excruciating work, physically and emotionally. Living and working around piles of boxes, not knowing where anything is or where anything will go. Finding old loved things and throwing away things that used to hold value. Choosing what should be in boxes and drawers, and then what fits in boxes and draws. Lifting, carrying, and setting down or dropping boxes, only to lift, carry, set down and drop them again sometimes even minutes later. Putting things away only to find somewhere better for them even minutes later. And on top of that dealing with the built in washing machine that is filled with black gunk, and the weird new cupboards, and the worlds slowest drier, and trying to work out how the vents work.

It's almost done. It's starting to feel like home. Of course that also means we are at the hardest bit, trying to force the remaining things to fit, ramping up the culling, playing tetris in life size scale. But there are places now where there are no boxes, where things are roughly where they will stay, where it doesn't look like this was once the home of strangers (with brilliant taste in DVDs). My desk isn't one of those places, it is chaos, but still...

On to the next bit.

Poem : Silence

Silence
by Thomas Hood

There is a silence where hath been no sound,
There is a silence where no sound may be,
In the cold grave - under the deep deep sea
Or in wide desert where no life is found,
Which hath been mute, and still must sleep profound;
No voice is hushed - no life treads silently,
But clouds and cloudy shadows wander free,
That never spoke, over the idle ground:
But in green ruins, in the desolate walls
Of antique palaces, where man hath been,
Though the dun fox, or wild hyena, calls,
And owls, that flit continually between,
Shriek to the echo, and the low winds moan,
There true silence is, self-conscious and alone.

Moments One : Film Love.

I love that moment when you are watching a movie or tv show and the two characters have that moment of romantic tension... and they don't necessarily work it out or anything but as the observer you know for sure that there is something "THERE" and (because you know it is a tv show/movie) probably these people belong together and will therefore end up together. Unless it is a sneaky twisted tragic chick flick or a complicated tv series and one or the other of them dies or something awful happens, like in Gone with the wind (though she kind of deserves it) or a version of Romeo and Juliet or Aliens ... yeah, you get the idea.

Any good love story tends to have these moments (any bad one is intending to have these moments and failing miserably), and because they are a standard of the cinematic spark

Anyways, as I am on a bit of a downer at the moment, I am thinking about cheerful things, and so here are some of my favourite romantic tension characters/moments. Ones I could find clips for anyways, its hard to explain these things to someone who hasn't seen them without clips.

Starting with a few classics, Casablanca - Rick and Elsa - And yes, this doesn't resolve how you might like but boy is this movie well scripted for tension... the build up is slow but it is beautifully executed; and Cat on a hot tin roof - Maggie the cat and Brick - I love this movie, it is so dysfunctional but so enthralling. If you haven't seen it, they are husband and wife, but their marriage has been damaged in their history and by the start of the movie Brick has agreed to stay with Maggie in a (drunken) non-sexual role. Why do old movies seem so much better written than new ones?

Psych - Shawn and Juliet - "Very close talking" ((2006) (Episode - #2.9) - Bounty Hunters!). This show is awesome and hysterical and if you haven't watched Psych you should because I am really enjoying it for its clever, over educated jokes and great acting and light hearted fun-ness. Anyway, this moment is brilliant and funny whilst maintaining tension which I was impressed with. Shawn and Jules have a great relationship where he flirts with her and he is definately on her radar but she tries to hide that and I want to see where it goes (and I am a season behind so if you ARE up to date, then shhhhhhh).



The Princess Bride - Wesley and Buttercup - and you have probably seen it before anyways, but it's great and must be mentioned. Fairytale of our generation...

Vampire Diaries - Damon and Elena - ok, so this tv show isn't for everyone as while it has lots of hot boys and girls, and lots of drama and gore, it centres around the love triangle created by two brothers who have been vampires for 150 years and who have both fallen in love with the same girl... who is not only completely a danger magnet but is also the dopleganger of the vampire who turned them (and manipulated them and entirely screwed up their relationship with one another etc). Damon is the 'bad' brother (please keep in mind that the truth is more complicated than that), and Elena is (currently) in a relationship with Stephan (the 'good' brother), however the tension between Damon and Elena is far more exciting.



Amelie - Amelie and Nino - bizarrely for a love story they don't have many scenes together, but they do have one of the best ones.

Pride and Prejudice - Darcy and Elizabeth - feature film but particularly the BBC version. Shhhh about the cliche!!!

10 things I hate about you - Patrick and Kat.

And just.... all of Firefly/Serenity. Go watch it already...

Fangers

I am going to get to the point, but circuitously.

Did you know that you can see stats on your blog, things like where and how often people from different countries read your blog? Firstly, not many people read my blog, which makes me happy. Secondly, 8 times people in the states have ended up here, and some Canadians too... That is just bizarre, how did those poor people end up here? They can't know me, so they must have tripped over me somehow... To those people, I am SO sorry. You can also find out how people found your blog. Apparently, google is to blame. :p

The reason I looked up my site stats is due to a fit of boredom because Hellgate: London crashed on me. Most of you wont have heard of Hellgate: London, it is several years old and brought me much entertainment (It wasn't perfect, but it was good) until the owning company declared bankruptcy and took down their online servers, thus prematurely ending the reign of my online Summoner. It does have a single player however, and as I got so busy killing demons that I never got around to completing the game I am now playing through the single player, as an Engineer, though I intend to give other builds a try too. I like the final content they put out, and I wish like hell I lived in Korea as the people who brought the Korean license continued the online content... they intend to release Hellgate: Resurrection internationally this year and I will buy it if I have the cash. Also, to Hellgate's credit, I don't think that Hellgate is the reason my computer crashed, it is just old and probably needs a format.

Speaking of pretties, I really want to buy these really pretty boots. BUT I am really worried that I wont wear them on accounts of their 4 inch heels, which will take me close to if not all the way to 6 foot tall. I find it strange enough being a taller than average girl, and I am not sure that I can handle a higher vantage point. BUT they are SO pretty!!!
There are other, much smaller issues with these boots. I would be purchasing them over the internet, which means I can not try them on first, something outside my comfort zone as I don't have small feet.
But perhaps more of an issue is that I love these boots, really love them, but they appeal to tastes that I tend to nurture in private. Without beating around the bush, I really like Gothic and Steampunk fashion, and would dress that way all the time if I had the finances and confidence to pull it off. What holds me back is mostly that like most subcultures Goth and Steampunk are cliquey, and I don't actually care to make new friends or tread on anyone's toes by "not doing it right" or alternately "being scary". Pretty much because I like the fashion, I like the music, but I am not sure that I am anywhere near that stereotype. Most of my clothing is black, or grey, but generally not "in your face" about it... I try to look like it is a co-incidence that some days I dress like a 1830's newspaper print.
And, if I had the balls to do it I would dye my hair black. But I am scared it wouldn't suit me, and I can't be damned dealing with the "oh but I liked the colour your hair was" blah blah blah etc.
I guess in short I don't really have the confidence to push that particular inclination into a visual statement about "who I am" when my identity doesn't match the perception most people would attach to the visual statement in the first place.

Which brings me as promised (if you guessed by the title, if not you are pleasantly or horrifically surprised) down the long and windy path to vampires. I will come out and admit I enjoy vampire fiction (generally). I loved Bram Stokers Dracula and I loved the movie too. I loved Interview with the Vampire movie and I loved the book though I have only read the first two Anne Rice novels so I can't claim to be a raving Anne Rice fan yet. I admit I was coerced to read the Twilight saga, and that whilst I wouldn't give it any litery awards I found it to be entertaining and a page turner; I watched the first movie and it was terrible but I still saw it more than once, and I didn't hate the next one (though I have to admit that part of the reason for that will be dealt with in a later paragraph). I haven't read the Sookie Stackhouse novels but I loved True Blood, I haven't read Vampire Diaries but I do find the show very engaging. I have read and enjoyed Christopher Pike's Last Vampire series. I read a very entertaining "semi fictional" account of Lord Byron's life from the perspective that he became a vampire. I love the Blade movies. I liked the Underworld movies. I enjoy Prachetts vampires too. I enjoyed Van Helsing, except for the end which was rediculous, and I liked Buffy (though Buffy herself annoyed me) and Angel. The Lost Boys was my favourite movie for a time, I was very entertained the night my dad prompted me to stay up and watch From Dawn til Dusk and even though I avoid horror movies generally because I get nightmares really easily I still sometimes treat myself to vampire horrors when I am feeling brave.
However, this should be taken with a grain of salt, my relationship with vampire fiction is not monogamous. My litery taste has included a healthy helping of Gothic (witches, ghosts, zombies, werewolves, old and evil gods etc) though as has been discussed before, I read almost everything. My coverage is high on vampire fiction, but that could be blamed on higher amounts of vampire fiction being available.

Unfortunately many people who perhaps previously ignored vampire literature had it forced upon their attention by the Twilight novels, and subsequently (aside from the sad cases where the person does not realise that vampire literature goes beyond twilight...) either reacted violently against all vampire literature, or embraced it all as though they had always loved it. It is important to note that the Twilight books debuted in 2005, and most of the other vampire works available were published prior to that year. Check out the wiki for some dates on the subject, the Vampire Diaries that are currently being televised began publishing back in 1991, Anne Rice finished her Vampire Cronicles before Stephanie Meyer began. This is important to me because although at the moment it appears that the world is in Vampire frenzy, the fiction it is based on has been around for between 5 and 20 years, and some of it is literally 100s of years old.
And so I get defensive, I guess, because people make an assumption now, that books, tv shows and movies I enjoy are "riding on the coat tails of Twilight". But perhaps that is actually an assumption of a person who is woefully uneducated in classic and modern literature... and for that matter, human nature?

I have also devoured vampire critical analysis and philosophy. I have read all the theories as to why vampires have a lasting appeal and what vampires symbolise and why societies appear to go through "vampire crazes" like the one in the 1700s and the one today. I can offer you the checklist for a parallel to consumerism. Should you prefer to wax long on the vampire as a expression of societies repressed sexuality I have informed opinions on the topic. If its the symbolism of vampire shapeshifting, vampires in "real life" or just a good vampire themed night out you are looking for, I can help. And if you want a new topic, how about representations of vampire teeth and how their form and functionality has changed over time and is used in various contexts, or why the "modern vampire" focus is on the fiend with a soul? (ahhhh Louis, I know why Lestat was so obsessed with you, Louis de Ponte du Lac will always be my first choice for vampire with a soul) It is just so interesting, because it really is a lasting mythology.
Personally, I think it helps that vampires are typically hot. Vampire movies these days are generally an excuse for attractive people to look even more attractive. Vampire traits (aside from the "beauty" that is often a given) put emphasis on attractiveness with high contrasting features (pale skin, dark or vivid eyes and hair, defined features) as well as strength, grace, agility, charisma and power (and the hypnotism, mind control, and other superpowers also illustrates the vampire as desirable). Adding to the vampire appeal is the lustful behaviour of both the vampires and their victims, the "neck biting" being only one example of a sexual behaviour exagerated (again, with vampiric superpowers, it allows both common fantasys such as flight, shapeshifting, even administering personal justice as well as permissiveness to many social taboos like enjoying sex, sex with strangers, adultery, rough sex, relenting to impulses etc). And our secure society also tends towards controlled fear (ie. a little thrill, an adrenaline rush) now that the evolutionary action of the adrenal glands is rarely employed. This combination of traits allows even the ugly or vicious looking vampires to hold appeal. It doesn't surprise me that when vampire literature "got going", vampirism quickly became mainstream in the "bodice ripper" genre. Nor that thousands flock to the modern vampire craze or accept the mock-vampire... because it isn't about the death in the sunlight and it doesn't matter whether the vampire is a cold-hearted killer or a tortured soul, that is not the essense of the appeal.

And this entire rant came about because I (finally) found a copy (rather a website containing the full text) of The Phantom of the Opera (which in case you don't know does not contain vampires...) which I have wanted to read for ages but couldn't get hold of because, lets face it, classic gothic literature often isn't in stock, and because I liked some boots. But I guess it cumulates in actually a confession of sorts... my inclination to all things gothic (except possibly the actual subculture) is something that I keep to myself, a secret that I hide for that age old reason - social acceptability. But I think maybe hiding things I like just for the purpose of being closer to the social cookie cutter actually causes me to doubt myself and the esteem of others, and I don't want to be the person who wanders through life convinced of her own lonelyness and social isolation any more. So... here is me, sharing.

Creative process

Ok, so I have talked about my "creative process" before. And you can probably tell from the description that it isn't a very systematic or controlable thing... a significant hurdle to me ever being an actual writer/artist etc because in the grand scheme of things you need to be able to produce worthy work in a timely fashion to be paid in those career paths. Hense why I am a dabbler and heading toward science instead.

Anyways, one of the steps in any creative process is the reworking stage. Most works ever produced were not a "one take" enterprise. There is a tendancy to create, then revisit, and interweave original composition with edits and accents. Especially when you just don't seem to ever be happy with what you have produced. I am not the original never satisfied because DaVinci is, but I could totally be a female model of him... ahahahaha, I am so funny, be quiet!

To the point!

The point is that I have to be in the right mood for the reworking stage. Or maybe mood is the wrong word, perhaps the right mind set is more accurate.
Generally my notebooks (yes, plural) are filled with pages (and scraps of paper) of bits of poems, disconnected lines of poetry that I came up with but have no complementary lines or concepts for, lines I liked when I thought of them, poems that I have written but don't like or don't "feel", poems that don't seem to be finished, or that don't rhyme or poems I started but was interupted or poems with words or lines or entire verses missing. Stray bits of poetry, waiting for a home.
And then very, very rarely, I hit the right feeling and nothing gets in the way and suddenly from my masses of fragments spring poems.

I finished my poem from my Solitude post. Which was just a little something I had been toying with because I was a little frustrated about something and I have been working really hard on assignments and stuff lately and that always seems to go better when I am writing a little meaningless/meaningful but not too intense something. Then I finished two other poems I started a long time ago though I don't know exactly when because I always forget to date my work in my note books (That is part of why I type them up on my computer eventually, so that I have dated files so I can say, oh, I wrote that then). In fact one is the poem I wrote on the page immediately after the page I wrote my rules for myself on - including the rule about dating each page in my book so I knew when things were written. Clearly my rules more like guidelines... Anyway, that was a tangent. THEN while I was on the train going to my class, I finished two more and then I went back to work on this really long epic complicated one that I started about 3 years ago.

Did you follow all that? I go months writing nothing, and months writing worthless scraps, and then somehow I spit out 5 poems in literally 24 hours. And then I got busy, and I don't know if its stopped or just on hold while I am busy, or what will happen next.

On that note, someone linked this and it's a song about the creative process and I think it is brilliant.

That song

Got that song on repeat again.

Apparently this behaviour isn't entirely normal?

Do you do this? Get stuck on a song, listen to it on repeat, over and over, for hours, days, keep coming back to it, hear it and think "I love this song, hang on, I will just listen to it again" and later someone comes in and says "I swear that same song was playing earlier" and then they look at you strangely when they realise you have listened to the same song for the last 3 hours?

I really love this song. I loved it the minute I heard it. I don't get tired of it, no matter how many times I hear it. When I put on my music, I look forward to this song coming on, even if its on the playlist with all my favourite music... it's still this song I am waiting for. And I don't really know why. I love the vocalists voices, I love the simplicity of the lyrics, the repetition, I love the melody, I love the beat, I love the way it gains complexity throughout the song, I love the crescendo, the ritenuto at the end.

And I wish I could do this. Come up with a song that someone just can't put down.

Of course, I'd have to turn off this song to do that. Maybe I will just listen to it one more time... Maybe in a few hours...
Good thing I don't compose music actually...

Fell in love with this song.