Have you ever really wanted something, like desperately wanted something; and seen that something become unavailable to you, slowly drift off into the fog of the unreachable; and felt intense despair, frustration, impotent rage at whatever shadowy figure you choose to hang accountability for disappointments on so you don't have to blame yourself or alternately impotent rage at yourself regardless of your own culpability; and then tried frantically to tell yourself that you did not desire that unreachable thing, that your apparent desire was to appease another or a flaw in your psyche or that the prize was not as wondrous as first imagined; even as you curl into a ball of misery and hatred and pain and heartache and despair while your self worth and small pieces of your sanity slip and spread viscously away through the grooves in the floor?
No, me neither...
Things have been generally a disaster and I am focusing on coping, and the things that I enjoy. At least, those things that I can still do, and still enjoy. Even if I have to trick myself or force myself to do them. I am trying not to feel angry and bitter at things or people who do not deserve it... or do deserve it but it just wouldn't help me. And I am trying to think about the good stuff, and not concentrate on the bad stuff. Like all things, I can get through this; and probably no less disenchanted at the world than I already am.
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