My Dandelion introduced this song to me. And I love it. I have loved it for a long time, but it is sticking to me at the moment, so I am linking it here. It is heart-acheing and beautiful and true. It resonates.
It's called Almost lover, by A Fine Frenzy.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Question of the day
How do you tell someone that you have enjoyed their friendship, and that you have always thought they were awesome, but that they have changed?
How do you say that you were prepared to deal with it for a while, but that you are sick of being used now, and sick of them pretending?
How do you convey that you love a person, but their behaviour just hurts, and that you would love to be a part of their life, but not like this?
How do you let them know that they always said they would never be like this, but now they are like this and that as important as they are to you, maybe they need to get this out of their system or be this person and that maybe you need to not be around while they work it all out?
How do you make it clear that things will not be as they were before, because things were that way because of the way they behaved and they behave differently now so now things are different?
And if you to manage to get all that out... do you think the person would listen? do you think they would understand? do you think they would get it? do you think that anything would change? do you think it could be done without hurting them?
or do you think that the person would never speak to you again?
Sometimes people are too hard. This is why I like cats. They don't adore you for ages, and then suddenly inexplicably just talk to you often enough to say that they aren't ignoring you and maintain that nothing has changed.
How do you say that you were prepared to deal with it for a while, but that you are sick of being used now, and sick of them pretending?
How do you convey that you love a person, but their behaviour just hurts, and that you would love to be a part of their life, but not like this?
How do you let them know that they always said they would never be like this, but now they are like this and that as important as they are to you, maybe they need to get this out of their system or be this person and that maybe you need to not be around while they work it all out?
How do you make it clear that things will not be as they were before, because things were that way because of the way they behaved and they behave differently now so now things are different?
And if you to manage to get all that out... do you think the person would listen? do you think they would understand? do you think they would get it? do you think that anything would change? do you think it could be done without hurting them?
or do you think that the person would never speak to you again?
Sometimes people are too hard. This is why I like cats. They don't adore you for ages, and then suddenly inexplicably just talk to you often enough to say that they aren't ignoring you and maintain that nothing has changed.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Coin
Sometimes, I get the feeling that a few of my relationships are very one sided. I put a lot of work in, I make conversation, I arrange outtings... And I wonder what would happen if I just stopped, if I didn't contact that person and find things to talk about... One day, would they say to themself, Oh, haven't heard from her in a while, really miss her, maybe I will call her and ask her how she is doing and arrange to have coffee with her? or would they just never think of me again? or somewhere in between: would they think of me and never "get around" to calling? get distracted from calling? or assume that since I haven't called that I must be busy and not want them to call?
Part of me wants to say "lets see if they think I am worth making an effort for", and part of me is pretty sure that they don't think I am. Put aside the "of course I like you" statements (after all, social pressure forces such a statement if directly questioned), and consider whether their general conversation and behaviour implies the same sentiment.
Meanwhile, I worry that all the time and energy that I sink into these relationships means that I neglect some of the people in my life. There are people who probably feel the same way about me as I am feeling.
And then I worry that I am hurting the very worthwhile people in my life and cultivating the unhelpful ones.
And then I decide (and this is new for me) that I can't just assume that I am doing it wrong, my lack of self esteem is not doing me good; and that I should make a list of people I haven't seen for a while and see if I can organise to see them, or call them if they are far away.
Part of me wants to say "lets see if they think I am worth making an effort for", and part of me is pretty sure that they don't think I am. Put aside the "of course I like you" statements (after all, social pressure forces such a statement if directly questioned), and consider whether their general conversation and behaviour implies the same sentiment.
Meanwhile, I worry that all the time and energy that I sink into these relationships means that I neglect some of the people in my life. There are people who probably feel the same way about me as I am feeling.
And then I worry that I am hurting the very worthwhile people in my life and cultivating the unhelpful ones.
And then I decide (and this is new for me) that I can't just assume that I am doing it wrong, my lack of self esteem is not doing me good; and that I should make a list of people I haven't seen for a while and see if I can organise to see them, or call them if they are far away.
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
the love and love and love.
I watched you fall in love.
I cheered for you with your triumphs.
I cried for you when it hurt you.
And I am sorry that it didn't work out how you would have liked. But I think that this will make you smile later. There may yet be a fairytale.
I watched you fall in love.
And I am sorry, but I had to laugh.
At the impossibility, at a choice that perhaps could not be less suited.
But I will be sorry if it doesn't work out for you... though I can not see it, I want you to be happy. Stranger things have happened.
I watched you fall in love.
And I screamed and I screamed and I screamed against it.
It's like watching you set yourself on fire, like watching you throw yourself off a cliff; smiling.
I am sorry, because if it works out I wont be happy for you, and if it doesn't, I don't think I will be there to pick up the pieces. It is too hard to watch you romance your demon.
I cheered for you with your triumphs.
I cried for you when it hurt you.
And I am sorry that it didn't work out how you would have liked. But I think that this will make you smile later. There may yet be a fairytale.
I watched you fall in love.
And I am sorry, but I had to laugh.
At the impossibility, at a choice that perhaps could not be less suited.
But I will be sorry if it doesn't work out for you... though I can not see it, I want you to be happy. Stranger things have happened.
I watched you fall in love.
And I screamed and I screamed and I screamed against it.
It's like watching you set yourself on fire, like watching you throw yourself off a cliff; smiling.
I am sorry, because if it works out I wont be happy for you, and if it doesn't, I don't think I will be there to pick up the pieces. It is too hard to watch you romance your demon.
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