shock

I wrote something! Its been so long, I wondered if I remembered how...
Rewind.
I haven't written anything since... last year?
And by "anything" I mean anything other than paragraphs saying "what the hell am I doing? I need to change my life."
And then I ... did something for myself, something hard for me to do, and something that I was afraid of. Something that I don't really want to go into, but suffice it to say that I took on a dragon.
Anyway, in the overflow from the epic battle, I have been doing a little bit better.
I have gotten some sleep, and am closer to back on top of it all. I should clarify that I didn't kill the dragon, I didn't really even make it go away. I just stopped it from eating me. But in all honesty, I am feeling pretty damn good about that.
Anyway, so then, cause I wasn't eaten and all, I managed to open a door.
In real terms, I got back to communicating with someone very important to me. And that was really empowering. So then I got really, really brave, and I shared one of my songs.
Did you know I write songs? I don't really tell people that... I have such issues around my singing voice, when I was young my sister hated me singing (whether this is because of my voice, or because she is my sister is an issue hotly debated). Now I don't sing in public very often, and given that I can't WRITE music, it only exists in my head... if I told people that I wrote songs, then they might want to hear them.
And then I found a book I have written up songs I wrote in. And then yesterday, I sat down and actually wrote something! Not a song, but my first something for about a year. Lets continue to clarify, I am not saying its any GOOD, but that it exists is huge for me. So I thought I would share it, because then not only would I know that it happened, but I can revisit it happening later.

There were paths etched out in moonlight through the branches
And we hesitated, suddenly in doubt;
For which path would lead us safe into the sunlight,
And taking one, on what might we miss out?
Then bravely did we set our feet to wander
By different paths. And what I'll always rue:
I took a path that led into the daytime,
And not a path that led me back to you.
- Dischord

Flight of dragons

I am in the worlds most terrible mood, I am at work and I am raging angry at nothing, so warning, what follows might be rubbish and might not be very nice.

On the day the dragons came the world stopped for an instant. No one noticed, because everything stopped. heartbeats paused, and thoughts hung and sentences were suspended half uttered. And then the world went on again and no one was any the wiser. No one knew when the dragons came, no one knew where they came from, or why they came, or even what they were. No one knew what they looked like. No one knew they were there.

They move in shadows, and are shadows in part. When they are about the world seems bleak and grey, the shadows seem longer and darker. They can make colours stand out brightly against one another. The sweeping and untargetable sadness? that is the dragons. The empty, lonely questions? in them lies the dragons. The futile sourceless anger, the niggling doubt is called out by dragons. When the dragons gaze sweeps over you, your entire body shudders. People say "someone walked over my grave", but the dragons gaze knows more of death than any other, and souls flinch from them.

They come and go, from shadow to shadow, from darkness to darkness, unheralded. We all fight them, some better than others. I do not know if they can be conquered.
But I know there are more now than there were.

The coming of dragons.

I either love you or I hate you.
Perhaps it is both.

You make me feel used. Its been so long since you treated me like a real person. I will never forget the way I felt when we were talking, and she entered the room and you forgot I existed. I knew in that instant that you were waiting for her. That I was a placeholder, something to fill the space while you waited. It could have been anyone, talking about anything. How little my friendship ever meant to you...

I wonder if I should have known, if there was some sign that I missed that would have given you away. But I was in the dark. Now though, now it is worse. I see nothing but that memory when I look at you. I see it in everything you do, everything you say. It's everywhere. You pretend that I matter, when it suits you; and I honestly believe you think I should be ok with that. I am the cat that you lock outside the house. I thought you loved me once, when I was a kitten... Now I am not sure that you ever cared at all. And for so long that mattered to me. I couldn't think what I had done wrong. So much hurt, so many tears. But now... I still value you, miss you, but now I can pretend too... I think it might be better this way.

I am deep in a different kind of darkness now. I stand here on the battlements of my castle, facing the bitter wind. I am alone, I am cold and I am afraid. I actually need friends now. Real friends, the kind who can actually care about someone else, without needing anything back, the kind who can fight the dragons.
And I don't think you can do that.

Wishes

If wishes were teardrops we would all drown, but there would be no more water shortages.

To someone who does not remember I exist.

I wish that I had done things differently.
I wish that I had spoken instead of waiting.
You would have had the oppertunity to understand me a little better. I don't think the way other people do, you didn't need to worry or put in extra work. The things you feared were not an issue for me.
I had fun. I didn't want anything more from you.
There might still be a space between us but at least it wouldn't be filled with the words that I wish I had said to you but never did.
I have never been a person who wastes time on idle regrets, but if I had a chance to change something, this would be it.
Because I liked you, cared about you, did not want to lose you.
Never wanted this Silence laden with distance and the soft sounds of people who tiptoe around one another.
Your friendship meant a lot to me.
I will probably keep trying to be friends with you. I am sorry if that pains you. But that was all I ever wanted.
I am hopeing that when enough time has passed, you will forget the awkwardness, and that we can rebuild. Because I never had that awkwardness. That is what I should have told you. It didn't mean to me what you thought it did.

Age

Does it scare you when I tell you that I love you?
Do you wonder what exactly I mean by that?
If they had told you then that one day I would be able to say that, would you have believed them?
Do you wonder at how time has passed?
Are we different people to who we were? Should we be?
Is change scary?

Its not quite right.

I think my brain is broken. I can't seem to help feeling... unattractive, unloved. Mostly unloved I think.

I know this guy, I am very fond of him. Few years younger, and single, and skinny, and beautiful, and a different person... But regardless, I am fond of him. He knows this girl, who is flighty, and bitchy, and rude. She whines all the time, flirts with everyone and sulks when she isn't the centre of attention, and tells people all about how "adventurous" and "open to new experiences" she is (which by the way is bollicks). Anyway he is in love with her, or close enough to it to be moronic when it comes to her, even though she treats him badly and has tantrums at him all the time, and uses his feels against him whenever it is to her advantage etc. It makes me feel very much like I am in a twisted time warp. I want to slap her about. And him about also. Or lock them into a room till they have sex and get over it.
Anyway, I don't understand why all these guys are madly in love with this trashy trashy girl... or rather I understand just fine, which is the problem. It makes me feel really negative about myself. I value things about myself - I say to myself that I might not be beautiful or attractive, but at least I have a brain, I am pretty good company, at least I am not that kind of person. I am not perfect but I am not like her. When she is the centre of attention, I end up thinking - maybe I am wrong; maybe it doesn't matter how good a person you are, or that you can hold up a conversation. Maybe what really matters is being skinny and pretty and telling everyone in earshot how you want to try all sorts of sexual experiments (and not following through on that).

I miss the people in my life who cared about me for me, and didn't have time for thick, false and trashy girls. Where did those people go?

"Belfast"
Katie Melua

I've got a ticket,
To the fast city,
Where the bells don't really ring,
Getting off the plane the cold air,
Rushes like bullets through my brain,
And I'm divided between penguins and cats,
But it's not about what animal youüve got,
It's about being able to fly,
It's about dying nine times,
Aah [x2]

and then...

Funny how you can feel alone, and like everyone is gone, and your life has moved on, and the world has forgotten you.

And funny how something can happen and make you realise that this is complete crap, and people still have vague memories of who you are.

I mean, its a cycle, at any one time you can be in one phase or the other, and when you are in one phase you forget the other exists, but if ever you catch yourself, you realise that sometimes your brain isn't always on your side...

Happy Birthday

I love you.
You make my life beautiful.