Peace

I wish things were different. But they aren't. And I am actually more and more ok with that.
Whether I am resigned because I don't have a choice, or I have come to terms, or maybe I have just started to decide this is right? Who knows?

I know what I want, and what I need. And I am going to do my best to get those things, whilst making room for the people I love to be in my life.

You should do the same.

....................... And to be honest... I don't really understand?

"I am a big girl, just tell me"
- Inara Sera, Firefly.

Just

Just a friend
Just a girl
Just a little too much work
Just not quite what I'm looking for
Just not enough
Just about
Just too loud/quiet/friendly/weird
Just a little too reserved
Just lovely but...
Just can't
Just such a "nice" person
Just got distracted
Just forgot

Why do I keep hopeing that one day, there won't be a "just" in the sentence? I guess no one really wants to be described as "merely".
I am not going to be only me all my life.
I am going to be The Only Me.
One day I am going to be exceptional, and you are going to regret that you always thought of me in terms of just...

resonance

If you want it come and get it for crying out loud
The love that I was giving you was never in doubt
Babylon - David Gray

"It's just an object. Doesn't mean what you think."

It makes me sad that you are in love with her, and I know it.
It makes me sad that you won't tell me.
It makes me sad that you said you wouldn't make a choice and you did.
It makes me sad that you said you wouldn't get sick of me and you did.
It makes me sad that you pretend.
It makes me sad that you don't have time for me any more.
It makes me sad that I am not worth the effort.
It makes me sad that I was starting to feel really good about myself.
It makes me sad that you are lovely, and she is awful, and doesn't deserve you, and nothing I say or do will make you realise that.
It makes me sad that it changed... and that you might not even realise that it has.
It makes me sad that I am so expendable, so discardable, that I am not worth more to you.
It makes me sad that you don't tell me what is going on.
It makes me sad that the emotional side of me wants something that the practical side of me knows is impossible.
It makes me sad that I was so happy.
It makes me sad that no choice I make, no action I take, no word I say will change a gorram thing.
It makes me sad that I keep on hurting myself just because I don't want to admit that the time has come to find some distance.
It makes me sad that every time you pay me the least bit of attention I go right back to thinking you are amazing and then have to deal with losing you all over again.
It makes me sad that time changes everything...
It makes me sad that I am not who I once was.
It makes me sad that I started to believe you.
It makes me sad that I told you I thought I would regret it and I do.
It makes me sad that I can't feel the way I want to, even though I feel like I should be able to control it somehow.
It makes me sad that I am not stronger.
It makes me sad that I am not wiser.
It makes me sad that I am not more resiliant.
It makes me sad that I am not more...
It makes me sad that I am sad now... and that I know that one way or another I will be happy again, and then sad again and so on.
It makes me sad that I want to hold onto this feeling in the hopes it will stop me from getting hurt again.
It makes me sad that I don't have my cds right when I need my music so that I can dance and scream and grieve.


When you go - Johnathan Coulton

There in the frame of your face in the cast of your eyes
I saw this coming but still I am caught by surprise
All of this time I knew
That I’d be losing you
That doesn’t mean that it’s okay
That doesn’t mean I’m ready

./rage

If I had known that was what it took, I actually probably would have done it.
Even at the risk of fucking everything up.
I hate that I am penalised by your lack of balls, or perhaps more accurately that you are controlled by them.

It is one thing when I am on the same scale as everyone else but when I know there is something that could have motivated you to treat me better I would have done it.

And I fucking hate that I have to hear every fucking thing from a 3rd party. Do you not want me to know and not realise that everyone else on the planet tells me shit? Or is it that you just don't actually want to talk to me? Or perhaps, and this might be worse, that you just don't think to tell me or can't be fucked?

Whatever.