I love my Teddy Bear

My problem, I suppose, is that I am naive, and gullible, and I should know better... but I still believe that fundamentally people are good. And the problem with that, is that I am wrong. Fundamentally, most people aren't good at all. Everyone tells me that people aren't trying to take advantage of me, but if that is true, why do so many people manage it?

I miss being surrounded by a group of people who aren't self interested. I miss being surrounded by a group of people who don't have any interest in using that I just can't see when I am being manipulated.
And I miss that group of people who didn't hold my innocence against me.
Why didn't I value you more when I had you? Before you scattered to that cold wind?

Its only when you get burnt that you realize how hot fire can be. And tomorrow, I have to start over... I wont remember that I learnt this.

~Illusionary~

I have discovered that I am in love with the illusion that the world is filled with hope and ideals. My heart warms in the garish light of my television as the protagonists champion brilliant causes and noble dreams.

I wonder sometimes if under all this cynicism and realism (optimists please read pessimism here) there is romanticism... And then I add hopeless to that... And then I giggle and point out to myself that I am not very good at it... And then I remind myself of the romantics (both hopeless and non-hopeless) that I know, and recognize that I don't have their ~thing that I don't have... beauty? wonder? hope (in the case of the non-hopeless)?~ I don't have their romanticism!
And then I make cynical and realistic (optimists please read pessimistic here) comments, and change the topic.

Realisation

I have come to realize that I give too much of myself to people who don't care.
I have come to realize that I can't tell whether people care about me or not, and that is part of the reason why I maintain that no one does. Because too often, people who I think care turn out not to.
I have come to realize that I can't stop giving too much of myself... I try very hard to channel it to people I know care... but I don't always know who they are!
I have come to realize that I am screwed in this regard.

Optimistically, I want to believe.
Pessimistically, I don't think I can believe.
Realistically, being pessimistic hurts less.

today

Today, I hate everyone,
Today, I hate my life,
Today, I get upset over nothing,
Today, I am over it,
Today, I am suspicious,
Today, I am a mess,
Today, I feel totally alone,
Today, I miss you.

Today, I am depressed,
Today, I have no control,
Today, I wish I was a different person,
Today, I can't smile properly,
Today, I think that nobody gets it,
Today, I am a little glad you can't see me like this.

Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out.