I have this odd thing about honesty. The difference between someone I hate and someone I love all comes down to - do they lie to me.
That probably isn't entirely true, it is probably more complicated, but it is close enough.
Sometimes I don't tell people things. But I don't lie very often... and here, my very often means that I can't remember the last time I lied. Though I am sure that I have.
Sometimes I can't find the right words to explain myself though...
If I love the person, and they have everything I ever wanted, I can only be happy for them.
If I hate the person, and they have everything I ever wanted, I can only hate them more, if anything.
But I am not designed for hate and anger. And I don't have the confidence to believe I can have what I want over someone else. So instead, I work on changing what I want. I am sorry about that. It must make me confusing, and inconsistant. I bounce from anger, to laughter, to sadness, to inscurity, to acceptance, to blind joy... and I change what I want all the time. I don't envy people who have to deal with that.
Sometimes I wish I knew how to compete... how to reach out for what I want even if I don't stand a chance at ever getting it. It's not even a fear of failure that sets me back. I don't care that I can't win, that I can't have what I want, I know how to accept loss and failure and grief. I just don't even know how to go about expressing that I want it... I might not even quite know what I want, in words. I don't know how to even buy into the game. I wouldn't care that I lost as long as you knew how much I wanted to win. And I should know how to compete... one day, I might be faced with one I CAN win... and I would like to be able to try.
The thing I love most about blogging is that I don't have to make sense. It's all for me. Its like the people who read it are just listening at the keyhole to half the conversation. Does that make you feel like a voyer, just a little bit? :D It's ok, it can be our secret. :)
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Hard things
Today I did the hardest thing. The thing that I have been saying I should do for a long time now, and I said it more when I got stressed, and then still more when I got sick, but today I did it (or rather, completed doing it). I left my job. I am signing up to study.
Its huge, and I am terrified. Far more terrified than I am excited, despite what I say. As of today, I stepped away from the boring, stable, predictable life, and now I am unemployed, and the future is rising in front of me... and I have no idea what is coming.
And yet I am holding onto my tiller, and breathing "bring me that horizon". But I don't look like Captain Jack... more is the pity!
My thought of the day is - pain tells us we are hurt. We put our hand into the fire, and it hurts, which tells us if we keep up our action our skin will blister and melt till it is unrepairable.
So what is emotional pain? Does the "heart" do the same thing when we are hurt by the words and deeds of the people we love?
I have been burnt many times in my life, I am resilient, but I also try to anticipate and even avoid those situations.
If someone hurts you, and you are hurt, and then the feeling eases and fades, does it mean the injury is gone, has healed? does it mean that you have forgiven them or dealt with the cause of the pain? or does it mean that you have moved yourself emotionally away from that fire... that person? Is it better to fade away?
I am sad about work, I am sad about saying good bye to my friends, and the people who have been my life for two years. It was hard, and painful.
Don't worry, I am ok. But I laughed as much as cried today.
I am sure that it wouldn't be so funny if it happened to me, of course, but I had to laugh.
And I think... I think that means I am healing, rather than fading now. Of course, I might have faded too far to ever recover, I might have hurt to much to feel beloved by this friend. And it might not ever be the same again. But if I can laugh, who knows how far I can go. Laughter and hope, hand and hand in the sunshine over the sea.
Bring me that horizon.
Its huge, and I am terrified. Far more terrified than I am excited, despite what I say. As of today, I stepped away from the boring, stable, predictable life, and now I am unemployed, and the future is rising in front of me... and I have no idea what is coming.
And yet I am holding onto my tiller, and breathing "bring me that horizon". But I don't look like Captain Jack... more is the pity!
My thought of the day is - pain tells us we are hurt. We put our hand into the fire, and it hurts, which tells us if we keep up our action our skin will blister and melt till it is unrepairable.
So what is emotional pain? Does the "heart" do the same thing when we are hurt by the words and deeds of the people we love?
I have been burnt many times in my life, I am resilient, but I also try to anticipate and even avoid those situations.
If someone hurts you, and you are hurt, and then the feeling eases and fades, does it mean the injury is gone, has healed? does it mean that you have forgiven them or dealt with the cause of the pain? or does it mean that you have moved yourself emotionally away from that fire... that person? Is it better to fade away?
I am sad about work, I am sad about saying good bye to my friends, and the people who have been my life for two years. It was hard, and painful.
Don't worry, I am ok. But I laughed as much as cried today.
I am sure that it wouldn't be so funny if it happened to me, of course, but I had to laugh.
And I think... I think that means I am healing, rather than fading now. Of course, I might have faded too far to ever recover, I might have hurt to much to feel beloved by this friend. And it might not ever be the same again. But if I can laugh, who knows how far I can go. Laughter and hope, hand and hand in the sunshine over the sea.
Bring me that horizon.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Words
What He and I talked about last night was healthy for me I think.
About how we hurt the people we care about. About how it is easy to hurt the people who care about us because they will be more forgiving. About hurting people who hurt us, about vindictiveness, about justice, about self preservation.
About how guys will screw anything, and how if the girl displays any interest then the guy will jump endlessly in the hopes of getting over all the hoops and bars she has laid out for him so that she agrees to sleep with him. And that I hate the kind of girls who put out hoops and bars, I have none of my own and I think the girls who do are a waste of space. And that I get frustrated with the kind of guys who will spend all their lives jumping to sleep with girls that they aren't even all that interested in to begin with - even to the point of hurting the people they care about. And therefore when it is someone I care about, the automatic reaction is either to attempt to put out my own hoops and bars, seeing as how the person seems to like them so much - to make them prove themselves to me instead, and how that puts me into competition and makes me miserable; or alternately to wash my hands of the entire thing. About how I often end up feeling that people value the ones in their life who make them work for it with arbitary hoops and bars, and find it easy to put me on the back burner because I don't require "as much work"... which makes me feel worthless.
About communication, and why it is so painful when you try to communicate something important to you to someone important, and they don't care or don't listen or don't understand... or nothing changes. About that feeling of frustration, despair, frustration, rejection.
About selfishness and self-centredness. About imbalenced relationships. About manipulation.
About "shy" (read RUDE) people who hold the power because they make a person feel especially good about themselves because they interact only with a select few. About how they do it that way because it is less work, and because it gives them power. About how they hold those relationships by responding to the extreme to any attention, giving more than they are asked, making their target feel exceptional and then disappearing for a while to make their target miss them and find others shallow in comparison, and then reappearing and giving to the extreme again... and then withdrawing those extremes slowly till their target will go to great lengths to get that level of reaction (or any reaction) again. About how it feels to be the target of that sort of attention, about why it works so effectively.
About youth, and misgivings, and regrets, and maturity.
About various forms of friendships. About the lines between friendship and "romantic relationships". About sex, and what it means and it's level of importance in our lives. About experience, and experiences. About magnetism and chemistry.
About choices. About why people make their choices. About my choices. About what choices I have. About my instincts, and whether I should trust them. About standing by, about trying again (and again and again), about giving up, about disappearing.
About a mistake I almost made when I was feeling secure and stupid and "brave", and about why I didn't make that mistake, and about why I feel good about that now that events have cause the situation to shift. About how sometimes things work about better than we expect, for unlikely reasons. About how pain can also have a bright side, when you look at it from another perspective.
About my low self-esteem and whether that is the cause of most of my problems. I don't believe people actually like me, and I end up feeling very hurt when people seem to be proving me right. And about how I build these really intense friendships with people - I'd do anything for my friends, I would kill for them, die for them, give them the shirt off my back and all my money, pour out my heart and soul, move mountains and travel vast distances, be there any time, even in the middle of the night. And most people don't understand that intensity, they don't return it, or else they are frightened by it, or they misunderstand it. The people who come out the other side, I believe that they love me... though I might not always believe they like me.
About whether or not people in general or people specific (but herein un-named) miss me, or will miss me, or would miss me.
About how sometimes we can not explain why people are close to us, why people are important to us. Sometimes people just stand out like colours before a storm, and sometimes we can barely have spoken to someone and yet we know we care about them. Sometimes we have no reason to trust the people we trust, or love the people we love.
About insecurity. About jealousy. About the differences.
About how people don't understand me, and usually don't put in the effort to.
About my guitar, and guitaring, and song selection, and barr chords. About amps.
About first person shooters, and pvp.
Thank you for that talk. It helps to feel like someone is actually listening, and cares about how I feel.
About how we hurt the people we care about. About how it is easy to hurt the people who care about us because they will be more forgiving. About hurting people who hurt us, about vindictiveness, about justice, about self preservation.
About how guys will screw anything, and how if the girl displays any interest then the guy will jump endlessly in the hopes of getting over all the hoops and bars she has laid out for him so that she agrees to sleep with him. And that I hate the kind of girls who put out hoops and bars, I have none of my own and I think the girls who do are a waste of space. And that I get frustrated with the kind of guys who will spend all their lives jumping to sleep with girls that they aren't even all that interested in to begin with - even to the point of hurting the people they care about. And therefore when it is someone I care about, the automatic reaction is either to attempt to put out my own hoops and bars, seeing as how the person seems to like them so much - to make them prove themselves to me instead, and how that puts me into competition and makes me miserable; or alternately to wash my hands of the entire thing. About how I often end up feeling that people value the ones in their life who make them work for it with arbitary hoops and bars, and find it easy to put me on the back burner because I don't require "as much work"... which makes me feel worthless.
About communication, and why it is so painful when you try to communicate something important to you to someone important, and they don't care or don't listen or don't understand... or nothing changes. About that feeling of frustration, despair, frustration, rejection.
About selfishness and self-centredness. About imbalenced relationships. About manipulation.
About "shy" (read RUDE) people who hold the power because they make a person feel especially good about themselves because they interact only with a select few. About how they do it that way because it is less work, and because it gives them power. About how they hold those relationships by responding to the extreme to any attention, giving more than they are asked, making their target feel exceptional and then disappearing for a while to make their target miss them and find others shallow in comparison, and then reappearing and giving to the extreme again... and then withdrawing those extremes slowly till their target will go to great lengths to get that level of reaction (or any reaction) again. About how it feels to be the target of that sort of attention, about why it works so effectively.
About youth, and misgivings, and regrets, and maturity.
About various forms of friendships. About the lines between friendship and "romantic relationships". About sex, and what it means and it's level of importance in our lives. About experience, and experiences. About magnetism and chemistry.
About choices. About why people make their choices. About my choices. About what choices I have. About my instincts, and whether I should trust them. About standing by, about trying again (and again and again), about giving up, about disappearing.
About a mistake I almost made when I was feeling secure and stupid and "brave", and about why I didn't make that mistake, and about why I feel good about that now that events have cause the situation to shift. About how sometimes things work about better than we expect, for unlikely reasons. About how pain can also have a bright side, when you look at it from another perspective.
About my low self-esteem and whether that is the cause of most of my problems. I don't believe people actually like me, and I end up feeling very hurt when people seem to be proving me right. And about how I build these really intense friendships with people - I'd do anything for my friends, I would kill for them, die for them, give them the shirt off my back and all my money, pour out my heart and soul, move mountains and travel vast distances, be there any time, even in the middle of the night. And most people don't understand that intensity, they don't return it, or else they are frightened by it, or they misunderstand it. The people who come out the other side, I believe that they love me... though I might not always believe they like me.
About whether or not people in general or people specific (but herein un-named) miss me, or will miss me, or would miss me.
About how sometimes we can not explain why people are close to us, why people are important to us. Sometimes people just stand out like colours before a storm, and sometimes we can barely have spoken to someone and yet we know we care about them. Sometimes we have no reason to trust the people we trust, or love the people we love.
About insecurity. About jealousy. About the differences.
About how people don't understand me, and usually don't put in the effort to.
About my guitar, and guitaring, and song selection, and barr chords. About amps.
About first person shooters, and pvp.
Thank you for that talk. It helps to feel like someone is actually listening, and cares about how I feel.
What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Monday, May 11, 2009
Choices
At the moment, my life is about choices... my musings are about choices.
The choices I make. The choices other people make.
You have to make the right choices for you. You are the only one with you in mind, other people won't make choices based on what is best for you. So you have to make the choices that lead to what you want, that are in your best interests. The choices that lead you to your dreams and desires, that lead you away from harm, and away from pain. And so do I.
In my life, it has happened numerous times that people I care about have made choices that I do not understand... choices that hurt me. They have chosen in their own interests (which they are well entitled to do) and because I haven't understood that at the time, I have ended up being injured because of my choices in how I dealt with their choices.
The choices that always hurt me the most are the choices where a person I love chooses to spend their time and effort on someone other than me, to the exclusion of me.
He decided to date her, and basically ignored me every time she was in the room.
She used me to be close to him.
He brought her to my house knowing how much she had hurt me.
He made jokes at my expense to impress him.
He feel in love with her, and used me to fill the spaces between the times he could have her.
Making a choice that means hurting me, not spending time with me, excluding me in order to be with someone else... that hurts. Sometimes it only hurts a little bit. But when the person who is so important to you that you would cause me that kind of harm is someone I hate... It burns.
It sets fire to my already damaged self esteem. Why am I so easy to cast aside? Why am I so expendable?
I am not signing up for that any more. Now, if you want to choose someone else over me - that is fine. I am choosing someone else over you too. I am choosing me. I am not so short of friends, and people who love me, that I need to lay myself on your table and have you cut on me.
So I have chosen.
I choose me.
For some reason, that makes me feel both very sad, and exultant.
The choices I make. The choices other people make.
You have to make the right choices for you. You are the only one with you in mind, other people won't make choices based on what is best for you. So you have to make the choices that lead to what you want, that are in your best interests. The choices that lead you to your dreams and desires, that lead you away from harm, and away from pain. And so do I.
In my life, it has happened numerous times that people I care about have made choices that I do not understand... choices that hurt me. They have chosen in their own interests (which they are well entitled to do) and because I haven't understood that at the time, I have ended up being injured because of my choices in how I dealt with their choices.
The choices that always hurt me the most are the choices where a person I love chooses to spend their time and effort on someone other than me, to the exclusion of me.
He decided to date her, and basically ignored me every time she was in the room.
She used me to be close to him.
He brought her to my house knowing how much she had hurt me.
He made jokes at my expense to impress him.
He feel in love with her, and used me to fill the spaces between the times he could have her.
Making a choice that means hurting me, not spending time with me, excluding me in order to be with someone else... that hurts. Sometimes it only hurts a little bit. But when the person who is so important to you that you would cause me that kind of harm is someone I hate... It burns.
It sets fire to my already damaged self esteem. Why am I so easy to cast aside? Why am I so expendable?
I am not signing up for that any more. Now, if you want to choose someone else over me - that is fine. I am choosing someone else over you too. I am choosing me. I am not so short of friends, and people who love me, that I need to lay myself on your table and have you cut on me.
So I have chosen.
I choose me.
For some reason, that makes me feel both very sad, and exultant.
Friday, May 08, 2009
sinking
Sometimes, in life, we hurt the people we care about.
A lot of the time it is accidental. It is in the words that we say when we haven't thought them all the way through, the baby promises we break, the small and unimportant lies we tell, and sometimes, just through honesty.
Today, I feel like I hurt people too often. I tell the truth when I shouldn't, I think. Little things like "I am going to do X" rather than "I don't feel like company", "I need to cook dinner/wash my hair/go over the road for X" instead of "you have upset and hurt me, go away". If I told more small acceptable lies, my life would be easier, and I think that the people in my life would be happier.
Would you be happier if I didn't tell you?" Would you be happier if I pretended?
Sometimes I have bad days. Nothing specific happened, really, and yet here I am. I didn't communicate well and I hurt someone I didn't want to hurt. And I feel like I should add again to that sentence. Life is getting better, but slowly, I am scared of where I am going as well as where I have come from. I don't know what I am doing...
I am so overwhelmed, by things outside of my control, I am nearly inventing new things to be upset about just so that I can fix them again. In my life, right now, I need to feel like something is my choice... because for too long, the world has made all my choices for me.
I want to talk to you... I want to tell you all the things I am thinking, even the things that I haven't told anyone. But I also don't want to talk to you, ever again. I think you would be happier really, I think that way I wouldn't hurt you.
I break things... even if you don't believe it.
A lot of the time it is accidental. It is in the words that we say when we haven't thought them all the way through, the baby promises we break, the small and unimportant lies we tell, and sometimes, just through honesty.
Today, I feel like I hurt people too often. I tell the truth when I shouldn't, I think. Little things like "I am going to do X" rather than "I don't feel like company", "I need to cook dinner/wash my hair/go over the road for X" instead of "you have upset and hurt me, go away". If I told more small acceptable lies, my life would be easier, and I think that the people in my life would be happier.
Would you be happier if I didn't tell you?" Would you be happier if I pretended?
Sometimes I have bad days. Nothing specific happened, really, and yet here I am. I didn't communicate well and I hurt someone I didn't want to hurt. And I feel like I should add again to that sentence. Life is getting better, but slowly, I am scared of where I am going as well as where I have come from. I don't know what I am doing...
I am so overwhelmed, by things outside of my control, I am nearly inventing new things to be upset about just so that I can fix them again. In my life, right now, I need to feel like something is my choice... because for too long, the world has made all my choices for me.
I want to talk to you... I want to tell you all the things I am thinking, even the things that I haven't told anyone. But I also don't want to talk to you, ever again. I think you would be happier really, I think that way I wouldn't hurt you.
I break things... even if you don't believe it.
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