Honesty

I have this odd thing about honesty. The difference between someone I hate and someone I love all comes down to - do they lie to me.
That probably isn't entirely true, it is probably more complicated, but it is close enough.
Sometimes I don't tell people things. But I don't lie very often... and here, my very often means that I can't remember the last time I lied. Though I am sure that I have.
Sometimes I can't find the right words to explain myself though...

If I love the person, and they have everything I ever wanted, I can only be happy for them.
If I hate the person, and they have everything I ever wanted, I can only hate them more, if anything.
But I am not designed for hate and anger. And I don't have the confidence to believe I can have what I want over someone else. So instead, I work on changing what I want. I am sorry about that. It must make me confusing, and inconsistant. I bounce from anger, to laughter, to sadness, to inscurity, to acceptance, to blind joy... and I change what I want all the time. I don't envy people who have to deal with that.

Sometimes I wish I knew how to compete... how to reach out for what I want even if I don't stand a chance at ever getting it. It's not even a fear of failure that sets me back. I don't care that I can't win, that I can't have what I want, I know how to accept loss and failure and grief. I just don't even know how to go about expressing that I want it... I might not even quite know what I want, in words. I don't know how to even buy into the game. I wouldn't care that I lost as long as you knew how much I wanted to win. And I should know how to compete... one day, I might be faced with one I CAN win... and I would like to be able to try.

The thing I love most about blogging is that I don't have to make sense. It's all for me. Its like the people who read it are just listening at the keyhole to half the conversation. Does that make you feel like a voyer, just a little bit? :D It's ok, it can be our secret. :)