Critic

Blargle! I wrote this, and then google booted me out and I hadn't copyed and it didn't save and I lost it all at 2 am and now I am re-writing it but I am a wee bit bitter about it. Saving often...

I read somewhere... no, more specific, I shall tell you where. I was reading poems on a webpage dedicated to poetry, and within the "Comments about this poem" section I read something that surprised me. A little more context - the poem was

Alone Looking at the Mountain ~ by Li Po

All the birds have flown up and gone;
A lonely cloud floats leisurely by.
We never tire of looking at each other -
Only the mountain and I.

Sidenote: I have always enjoyed this poem and I am... Insulted? Surprised? Amused? Concerned? that a poem that was writen back around 700AD in China and has managed to remain in circulation all this time was rated at 7/10 by the "internet". Seriously?? I shudder to think of what anchors these people.

Anyways... within the comments section was a person (hereafter designated "he" though my gender interpretation is based on a generically masculine username) who I believe was trying to suggest that the comments section wasn't for "this poem is so great, thanks Mr Po" comments (on the ground that Mr Po is a chinese man from 700AD and therefore does not speak english, and has also been dead for 1300 years) and should be more for intensive english analysis - what do the birds MEAN? And he concluded his statements thusly "Poetry is both emotion and reason, not simply one or the other!".

This comment interested me in a number of ways. Firstly Henry David Thoreau was extensively critised as being "lesser" to Ralph Waldo Emerson because he "overthought it". So it is clearly more complex than this statement leads us to believe. How much reason, how much emotion is required? A cup of one, a dash of the other? Those of us to aspire to Emerson and not Thoreau (not based on poet preference but on a lack of thick skin) require more specific guidelines for this information to be helpful!
Secondly I think that people over value critical analysis and under value emotion (and I realise that I may write emotively and therefore that I might be bias but hear me out). Yes, understanding the imagery allows a greater depth of understanding of the poets message, and yes often the greatest fun in writing poetry is adding layers of meaning by selecting the best images, the best stories, the most well defined words. So thinking critically about a poets work and what they could mean aside from the obvious has a place.
But I think first, before that, its about emotion. Perhaps the dinosaur is a metaphor for consumerism, for innocence lost or societal repression or parental restriction or overeducation or financial insecurity or childhood fears, but first and foremost if it doesn't make you feel like running down a half familiar corridor from an unseen monster with a sister you may or may not have then the poem is wasted on you.
What IS reason in poetry? I mean, what does reason mean in that context? Logic? Judgement? Explaination? Sanity? The only part of the definition that seems relevement is a basis or cause, and for the poem as a whole I say yes definately, but for each image, word, concept I think that is a very pedantic view.
And I think that there are other theories about what makes good poetry, good art in fact that may be more correct. A quote (from my favourite book - again I may well be bias here) goes "The finest paintings are nothing more than the red head of a flower, nodding in the breeze when you were two years old; the most exiting film is just the way everything was back in the days when you stared goggle-eyed at the whilring choas all around you." And I think this may be more correct, regardless of the effort put into the reasons, if the poem is not evokative of something inside the self then it isn't worth remembering or analysing, it doesn't have the sustainability of a great poem. And I bet that some of the great poems were accidents. I bet some of them didn't have nearly as much work or layers put into them as people attribute. Coleridge wrote down his opium dreams... I know a least one song off the top of my head that was actually intended to be about just what it seemed and yet plenty of people are convinced that it has much... more elusive meanings (and yes, I believe the writers, they don't have a good reason to lie about it and in the grand scheme why believe their writing and not their statements?). Because in truth, people superimpose their own opinions and beliefs onto others. A great example I saw one time "Dave Matthews must be christian, I mean, I have never heard him say specifically but I love his music so much and his music is so great"... I don't know about Dave Matthews faith either (actually I read the wiki, he was brought up Quaker but is now agnostic), but I can pull out plenty of lyrics that would cause a priest to aneurism (yeah, I like him, if you haven't heard him give him a listen, try "why I am" if you need a start point) however this listener in question was clearly ignoring any evidence contrary to their desired opinion which was probably based on their own faith and desire to believe that Dave Matthews shared that faith and holding anyone who did share that faith in higher esteem (and from their vibe distaining anyone who did not share that faith) - my point being that so much of the time our interpretations are just confirmation bais and subjective validation. (Actually, just go here and read the entire blog, its great.)
And I know, I am usually the first person on the "let people interpret it how they like" bandwagon. I stand by my pick-your-own-inference policy. But I really resent people forcing their interpretions, or any interpretations on others. To some people it is just a dinosaur, and nothing more, and they are good with that. Is the poem lesser because it isn't about interspecies relations? Are they lesser because they don't see a reptile liberation theme? No one should be forced to see anything in a poem, and I think it is contributing to the decline of litery enjoyment that some people are overthinking for meanings that were never intended and trying to force those with a simplier view point to do the same.
Maybe the poem is a cake, with many layers, and maybe the cake is fuller and richer if you have a slice with all the layers, but some people only like icing and some people have diabetes and you shouldn't force layer cake on person regardless of how good it is.
And I hope that if someone says to us, "man, I dig that dinosaur" that we can put aside our theory on the metaphor for the decline of the british aristocracy and think to ourselves, "yeah, that dinosaur is pretty intense" and just for a moment feel the texture of thick carpet beneath our tiny, adreline filled toes.

Fangers

I am going to get to the point, but circuitously.

Did you know that you can see stats on your blog, things like where and how often people from different countries read your blog? Firstly, not many people read my blog, which makes me happy. Secondly, 8 times people in the states have ended up here, and some Canadians too... That is just bizarre, how did those poor people end up here? They can't know me, so they must have tripped over me somehow... To those people, I am SO sorry. You can also find out how people found your blog. Apparently, google is to blame. :p

The reason I looked up my site stats is due to a fit of boredom because Hellgate: London crashed on me. Most of you wont have heard of Hellgate: London, it is several years old and brought me much entertainment (It wasn't perfect, but it was good) until the owning company declared bankruptcy and took down their online servers, thus prematurely ending the reign of my online Summoner. It does have a single player however, and as I got so busy killing demons that I never got around to completing the game I am now playing through the single player, as an Engineer, though I intend to give other builds a try too. I like the final content they put out, and I wish like hell I lived in Korea as the people who brought the Korean license continued the online content... they intend to release Hellgate: Resurrection internationally this year and I will buy it if I have the cash. Also, to Hellgate's credit, I don't think that Hellgate is the reason my computer crashed, it is just old and probably needs a format.

Speaking of pretties, I really want to buy these really pretty boots. BUT I am really worried that I wont wear them on accounts of their 4 inch heels, which will take me close to if not all the way to 6 foot tall. I find it strange enough being a taller than average girl, and I am not sure that I can handle a higher vantage point. BUT they are SO pretty!!!
There are other, much smaller issues with these boots. I would be purchasing them over the internet, which means I can not try them on first, something outside my comfort zone as I don't have small feet.
But perhaps more of an issue is that I love these boots, really love them, but they appeal to tastes that I tend to nurture in private. Without beating around the bush, I really like Gothic and Steampunk fashion, and would dress that way all the time if I had the finances and confidence to pull it off. What holds me back is mostly that like most subcultures Goth and Steampunk are cliquey, and I don't actually care to make new friends or tread on anyone's toes by "not doing it right" or alternately "being scary". Pretty much because I like the fashion, I like the music, but I am not sure that I am anywhere near that stereotype. Most of my clothing is black, or grey, but generally not "in your face" about it... I try to look like it is a co-incidence that some days I dress like a 1830's newspaper print.
And, if I had the balls to do it I would dye my hair black. But I am scared it wouldn't suit me, and I can't be damned dealing with the "oh but I liked the colour your hair was" blah blah blah etc.
I guess in short I don't really have the confidence to push that particular inclination into a visual statement about "who I am" when my identity doesn't match the perception most people would attach to the visual statement in the first place.

Which brings me as promised (if you guessed by the title, if not you are pleasantly or horrifically surprised) down the long and windy path to vampires. I will come out and admit I enjoy vampire fiction (generally). I loved Bram Stokers Dracula and I loved the movie too. I loved Interview with the Vampire movie and I loved the book though I have only read the first two Anne Rice novels so I can't claim to be a raving Anne Rice fan yet. I admit I was coerced to read the Twilight saga, and that whilst I wouldn't give it any litery awards I found it to be entertaining and a page turner; I watched the first movie and it was terrible but I still saw it more than once, and I didn't hate the next one (though I have to admit that part of the reason for that will be dealt with in a later paragraph). I haven't read the Sookie Stackhouse novels but I loved True Blood, I haven't read Vampire Diaries but I do find the show very engaging. I have read and enjoyed Christopher Pike's Last Vampire series. I read a very entertaining "semi fictional" account of Lord Byron's life from the perspective that he became a vampire. I love the Blade movies. I liked the Underworld movies. I enjoy Prachetts vampires too. I enjoyed Van Helsing, except for the end which was rediculous, and I liked Buffy (though Buffy herself annoyed me) and Angel. The Lost Boys was my favourite movie for a time, I was very entertained the night my dad prompted me to stay up and watch From Dawn til Dusk and even though I avoid horror movies generally because I get nightmares really easily I still sometimes treat myself to vampire horrors when I am feeling brave.
However, this should be taken with a grain of salt, my relationship with vampire fiction is not monogamous. My litery taste has included a healthy helping of Gothic (witches, ghosts, zombies, werewolves, old and evil gods etc) though as has been discussed before, I read almost everything. My coverage is high on vampire fiction, but that could be blamed on higher amounts of vampire fiction being available.

Unfortunately many people who perhaps previously ignored vampire literature had it forced upon their attention by the Twilight novels, and subsequently (aside from the sad cases where the person does not realise that vampire literature goes beyond twilight...) either reacted violently against all vampire literature, or embraced it all as though they had always loved it. It is important to note that the Twilight books debuted in 2005, and most of the other vampire works available were published prior to that year. Check out the wiki for some dates on the subject, the Vampire Diaries that are currently being televised began publishing back in 1991, Anne Rice finished her Vampire Cronicles before Stephanie Meyer began. This is important to me because although at the moment it appears that the world is in Vampire frenzy, the fiction it is based on has been around for between 5 and 20 years, and some of it is literally 100s of years old.
And so I get defensive, I guess, because people make an assumption now, that books, tv shows and movies I enjoy are "riding on the coat tails of Twilight". But perhaps that is actually an assumption of a person who is woefully uneducated in classic and modern literature... and for that matter, human nature?

I have also devoured vampire critical analysis and philosophy. I have read all the theories as to why vampires have a lasting appeal and what vampires symbolise and why societies appear to go through "vampire crazes" like the one in the 1700s and the one today. I can offer you the checklist for a parallel to consumerism. Should you prefer to wax long on the vampire as a expression of societies repressed sexuality I have informed opinions on the topic. If its the symbolism of vampire shapeshifting, vampires in "real life" or just a good vampire themed night out you are looking for, I can help. And if you want a new topic, how about representations of vampire teeth and how their form and functionality has changed over time and is used in various contexts, or why the "modern vampire" focus is on the fiend with a soul? (ahhhh Louis, I know why Lestat was so obsessed with you, Louis de Ponte du Lac will always be my first choice for vampire with a soul) It is just so interesting, because it really is a lasting mythology.
Personally, I think it helps that vampires are typically hot. Vampire movies these days are generally an excuse for attractive people to look even more attractive. Vampire traits (aside from the "beauty" that is often a given) put emphasis on attractiveness with high contrasting features (pale skin, dark or vivid eyes and hair, defined features) as well as strength, grace, agility, charisma and power (and the hypnotism, mind control, and other superpowers also illustrates the vampire as desirable). Adding to the vampire appeal is the lustful behaviour of both the vampires and their victims, the "neck biting" being only one example of a sexual behaviour exagerated (again, with vampiric superpowers, it allows both common fantasys such as flight, shapeshifting, even administering personal justice as well as permissiveness to many social taboos like enjoying sex, sex with strangers, adultery, rough sex, relenting to impulses etc). And our secure society also tends towards controlled fear (ie. a little thrill, an adrenaline rush) now that the evolutionary action of the adrenal glands is rarely employed. This combination of traits allows even the ugly or vicious looking vampires to hold appeal. It doesn't surprise me that when vampire literature "got going", vampirism quickly became mainstream in the "bodice ripper" genre. Nor that thousands flock to the modern vampire craze or accept the mock-vampire... because it isn't about the death in the sunlight and it doesn't matter whether the vampire is a cold-hearted killer or a tortured soul, that is not the essense of the appeal.

And this entire rant came about because I (finally) found a copy (rather a website containing the full text) of The Phantom of the Opera (which in case you don't know does not contain vampires...) which I have wanted to read for ages but couldn't get hold of because, lets face it, classic gothic literature often isn't in stock, and because I liked some boots. But I guess it cumulates in actually a confession of sorts... my inclination to all things gothic (except possibly the actual subculture) is something that I keep to myself, a secret that I hide for that age old reason - social acceptability. But I think maybe hiding things I like just for the purpose of being closer to the social cookie cutter actually causes me to doubt myself and the esteem of others, and I don't want to be the person who wanders through life convinced of her own lonelyness and social isolation any more. So... here is me, sharing.

Secrets

She knows a secret. A secret she never told. And it sits in the back of her mind, in the quiet of her dreams, in the still silence of her heart.

She knows a secret. She knows an awful secret. And she never told him, the boy she loved in her own strange way. On the day that the sun slumpt to earth, gasping in the road, and it's fire pulsed it's last and went out; on that day she learnt the terrible secret. On the day that the world paused, reeling in the enormity of the darkness that sank upon it; she felt the secret dig it's cruel talons into her brain, words she could not unhear concealing themselves in the shadows behind her eyes.

She knows a secret. She knows a secret that must be hidden. As tears flowed and flowed and flowed she tried to forget the tragic truth, the scrap of paper curling in the flames. As the earth staggered she tried not to think it. As reality faltered she tried not to know it.

She knows a secret. A secret she never sought to learn. And she wonders sometimes, in moments of solitude and memory as candlelight flickers across her face, whether in an alternate universe time would have eased the divide that grew between her and the boy who must never know the secret? What would be different if she had never known that the men destroyed the paper and hid the secret on the day the sun fell?

Creative process

Ok, so I have talked about my "creative process" before. And you can probably tell from the description that it isn't a very systematic or controlable thing... a significant hurdle to me ever being an actual writer/artist etc because in the grand scheme of things you need to be able to produce worthy work in a timely fashion to be paid in those career paths. Hense why I am a dabbler and heading toward science instead.

Anyways, one of the steps in any creative process is the reworking stage. Most works ever produced were not a "one take" enterprise. There is a tendancy to create, then revisit, and interweave original composition with edits and accents. Especially when you just don't seem to ever be happy with what you have produced. I am not the original never satisfied because DaVinci is, but I could totally be a female model of him... ahahahaha, I am so funny, be quiet!

To the point!

The point is that I have to be in the right mood for the reworking stage. Or maybe mood is the wrong word, perhaps the right mind set is more accurate.
Generally my notebooks (yes, plural) are filled with pages (and scraps of paper) of bits of poems, disconnected lines of poetry that I came up with but have no complementary lines or concepts for, lines I liked when I thought of them, poems that I have written but don't like or don't "feel", poems that don't seem to be finished, or that don't rhyme or poems I started but was interupted or poems with words or lines or entire verses missing. Stray bits of poetry, waiting for a home.
And then very, very rarely, I hit the right feeling and nothing gets in the way and suddenly from my masses of fragments spring poems.

I finished my poem from my Solitude post. Which was just a little something I had been toying with because I was a little frustrated about something and I have been working really hard on assignments and stuff lately and that always seems to go better when I am writing a little meaningless/meaningful but not too intense something. Then I finished two other poems I started a long time ago though I don't know exactly when because I always forget to date my work in my note books (That is part of why I type them up on my computer eventually, so that I have dated files so I can say, oh, I wrote that then). In fact one is the poem I wrote on the page immediately after the page I wrote my rules for myself on - including the rule about dating each page in my book so I knew when things were written. Clearly my rules more like guidelines... Anyway, that was a tangent. THEN while I was on the train going to my class, I finished two more and then I went back to work on this really long epic complicated one that I started about 3 years ago.

Did you follow all that? I go months writing nothing, and months writing worthless scraps, and then somehow I spit out 5 poems in literally 24 hours. And then I got busy, and I don't know if its stopped or just on hold while I am busy, or what will happen next.

On that note, someone linked this and it's a song about the creative process and I think it is brilliant.

Solitude

This was originally much bleaker. But I assure you if I ever finish my next poem, it is significantly less bleak. Well, I don't know how people will take it, but it is making ME laugh, and that is the important bit.

I asked you why the world turns and
I asked you why we're here
And I did not get an answer
But I knew that you were there

I asked you why we're lonely and
I asked you how'd it sound
And I did not get an answer
Though I saw you were around

I asked you what it all meant and
I asked you why you are
And I did not get an answer
Yet I note you were not far

I asked you how you came here and
I asked you all the whys
Still I did not get an answer
Rock rampart rarely replys

roghnú

It's Irish for choose.
I am been thinking about choosing, and about choices just lately.

Firstly... I have been thinking about choose/choice semantically.
Choose is one of the words that is irreplaceable in english. Looking at the thesaurus entry for choose leads to such words as select or pick. However the virtue of choose as a word is not just the dictionary definition but the accumulated connotations, that prevent words like pick or select from being interchangable. Choose may simply mean to select one from many alternatives, however to choose carrys overtones of essential freedom.
The line is "free to choose" not "at liberty to select", and the word choice is overloaded with that implication, not just in America. If someone says they made a choice, we assume that choice was made without duress... people pick in emergancy situations or when they are forced to; while making a choice may be a difficult action, it is not a action made while constrained or supressed.
Agree? I think that's interesting.

Secondly... I have been thinking about choose/choice existentially.
Different people have different perspectives on what "makes" a person. The nature vs nurture debate stands strong, but additionally different philosophies maintain that "who we are" or "what matters" (whether from a spiritual, religious, or psychological/social perspective) is our actions, or our intentions, or our beliefs, or our kharma (our impact). And one of those philosophical positions is that we, as individuals and as social groups/societies/nations and humans, are the summation of our choices. Free will, in all it's glory and sorrow (and not necessarily with the religious connotations that are sometimes applied to that phrase). I think that's interesting.

Thirdly... I have been thinking about choose/choice practically.
All my life, I have been living in situations where I am free to make my own choices, but the repercusions of my choices effect not just myself. I want to be financially independant, I want to associate with people I like and to avoid people I dislike, I want to make spur of the moment decisions about the evenings plans. And none of the very wonderful people in my life would ever have stopped me from having these things that I want. But making those kinds of decisions effect the people in my life, not just me... Financial independance for example; while my parents approve of no longer being involved in my finances, it means my partner does not reap the benefits of dual incomes. And I want this badly but I realise that in practicality it is not the optimal conditions for him or for me... which makes it very hard to push my desires on the subject, let alone to talk about it reasonably. My options are to behave selfishly and be a bad and inconsiderate person, or to make choices not based on what I want but on what is best for everyone involved in my life.

Oh the things I might have done differently if I had known "then" what I know now. I might have fought harder to be independant from my parents, and I might have spent less money on food and clothes and more money on items that would last me longer and bring me more pleasure. I might have momentos of a time when I was young and independant and had no one to appease but myself. I might not have fallen so completely and thoughtlessly into a long term relationship before I had a chance to be beholden to no one except myself. And perhaps if I had made it all about "my life" back then, I would find it easier to accept that it isn't just my life now. Instead of feeling caged by obligation.

But one of the things I dislike most about myself is that I resent not being able to make decisions with only myself in mind. I do not seem to be able to just be selfish about it, and I do not seem to be able to gracefully accept the benevolent approach either. So instead, I am beneficent and resentful. And I am not just resentful of the people who benefit my efforts, but also of the people who ARE capable of making selfish decisions, and particularly those who make selfish decisions that effect me. It rubs it in... If I could just be more like that, look how I could live, and how much it would hurt the people I care about.
The problem, essentially, is that I don't want to be like that. I want to have been like that and grown out of it. Instead I learnt my lessons from other peoples mistakes, and now I wonder if it was worth it... My mistakes instead seem to be based on being too trusting and too reluctant to hurt people, and sometimes I think maybe the lesson I should have learnt was to be less trusting and more selfish, but the lesson I have come away with is to let less people in.

Ever wonder if you have screwed up everything in your life?

I probably haven't. My life is actually generally pretty awesome, and filled with some amazing people. Some awesome, confusing, crazy people cloaked in questions I can't ask and they can't answer and things I don't understand. Sure some of them are flakey and unreliable and I don't always know whether they care about me as much as I care about them, but in the grand scheme that isn't very relevent. My life is good, and if it isn't what I always dreamed it would be, that is probably a good thing because I was pretty convinced I would be a crazy cat lady and instead I dress in clothes that don't smell like cat pee and I actually get invited out places sometimes. (Back on track) I don't know that life can be this good if you screw it up. But I think I would appreciate it more if I had gotten to this point on a different path. If that is possible. Of course, all this musing changes nothing, I don't think my choices will change in the future because this is just who I am, and I don't think I will resent my life less and hopefully the people who know about this won't hold it against me.
It's just Dragons I guess. At the moment, the world is a little against me. Funny how when things are terrible you can't really talk about it and then when you can talk about it you don't really need to anymore.
I don't really think that is all that interesting, I just had to get it off my chest.

That song

Got that song on repeat again.

Apparently this behaviour isn't entirely normal?

Do you do this? Get stuck on a song, listen to it on repeat, over and over, for hours, days, keep coming back to it, hear it and think "I love this song, hang on, I will just listen to it again" and later someone comes in and says "I swear that same song was playing earlier" and then they look at you strangely when they realise you have listened to the same song for the last 3 hours?

I really love this song. I loved it the minute I heard it. I don't get tired of it, no matter how many times I hear it. When I put on my music, I look forward to this song coming on, even if its on the playlist with all my favourite music... it's still this song I am waiting for. And I don't really know why. I love the vocalists voices, I love the simplicity of the lyrics, the repetition, I love the melody, I love the beat, I love the way it gains complexity throughout the song, I love the crescendo, the ritenuto at the end.

And I wish I could do this. Come up with a song that someone just can't put down.

Of course, I'd have to turn off this song to do that. Maybe I will just listen to it one more time... Maybe in a few hours...
Good thing I don't compose music actually...

30 days of music

So my beautiful best friend was going to post a song every day for 30 days as a way to prompt herself to write in her blog more. But she stopped posting at day 11. I expect this is because she has a life and it snuck up on her.

And I thought it was a cool idea. But to be honest, I happen to know that I can't write in a blog daily. Or weekly. Sometimes I can't write monthly. And certainly not about the same thing. So I decided to cheat. Because, you know, I can. So instead of making 30 posts, I am going to put all thirty songs in one post, and then if you just come back to this post and listen to 1 song per day, you will have 30 days worth of songs! Great plan huh? Its actually driven by my need for each post to be about one idea. When you all steal this idea, you still have to do it one post per song. Unless you have a good reason that you can't articulate very well not to, like I do...

~
Day 01: Your favourite song
Shimmer by Fuel

Day 02: Your least favourite song
Achy Breaky Heart by Billy Ray Cyrus
Its ok, you don't have to listen to this one. I am right there with you.

Day 03: A song that makes you happy
They can't take that away by Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong

Day 04: A song that makes you sad
The green fields of france by the Fureys
There are many renditions of this song. I love the Dropkick Murphys and they do a great version too. But my favourite version is the Fureys one, because they play it sad and slow and sweet, and the heavier Irish accent makes it feel more conversational.

Day 05: A song that reminds you of someone
Nothing to prove by Carolines Spine

Day 06: A song that reminds you of somewhere
What's going on by Four non blondes

Day 07: A song that reminds you of a certain event
Opiate by Tool

Day 08: A song that you know all the words to
Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin

Day 09: A song that you can dance to
Brown eyed girl by Van Morrison

Day 10: A song that makes you fall asleep
Hushabye Mountain by Dick Van Dyke

Day 11: A song from your favourite band
Somewhere out there by Our lady peace

Day 12: A song from a band you hate
Tik Tok by Ke$ha
if that counts as music... You don't have to listen to this either.

Day 13: A song that is a guilty pleasure
Shake it by Metro Station
It isn't my usual genre, it isn't up to my usual standards of lyrical content, but it makes me smile.

Day 14: A song that no one would expect you to love
Have yourself a merry little christmas by Frank Sinatra
I like christmas carols. As a general rule though, I hate christmas songs. Generally I find them tacky and obnoxious. In fact, I hate other versions of this song. But I do love a little Sinatra... Somehow he makes this song into a good song, in my opinion.

Day 15: A song that describes you
White flags by Our lady peace

Day 16: A song that you used to love but now hate
Why don't you get a job? by offspring

Day 17: A song that you hear often on the radio
Fireflies by Owl City

Day 18: A song that you wish you heard on the radio
Tears don't Fall by Bullet for my valentine

Day 19: A song from your favourite album
Black Balloon by the Goo goo dolls

Day 20: A song that you listen to when you’re angry
All I really want by Alanis Morrisette

Day 21: A song that you listen to when you’re happy
When I am king by Great big sea

Day 22: A song that you listen to when you’re sad
Your winter by Sister Hazel

Day 23: A song that you want to play at your wedding
Kissing you by De'sree

Day 24: A song that you want to play at your funeral
Gravedigger by Dave Matthews Band

Day 25: A song that makes you laugh
The big bang theory by barenaked ladies

Day 26: A song that you know how to play
With a little help from my friends by the Beatles

Day 27: A song that you wish you could play
Kandi by One eskimo

Day 28: A song that makes you feel guilty
Not an addict by K's choice
This song is so easy to relate to, and then you start wondering why...

Day 29: A song from your childhood
Morning Town Ride by the seekers
Actually, my favourite version is my dads.

Day 30: Your favourite song at this time last year
Possibility by Lykke Li

I write like...

This website interests me and makes me laugh.
It is called "I write like..." and the concept is that you paste a segment of text that you have written and it spits out the author your writing style is most smiliar too, based on... something? I don't really know what exactly. Examples that I have found from pasting random samples from this blog include H.P Lovecraft, Douglas Adams, James Fenimore Cooper (who I haven't heard of), David Foster Wallace (who I also haven't heard of, but sounds interesting, and according to his bio he commited suicide so at least he won't have any ongoing sagas...).

In my opinion, there are multiple reasons that this is cool.

1. I find the concept of influence really interesting (as you might be able to tell from past posts on the subject which by the way was written in the style of J.D. Salinger (an author I am embarressed to admit I have been intending to read for years but have just never ended up picking up...)).
2. It is nice to think that your writing style is in some way like a famous author (excuse me while I rush out to make a book deal).
3. It is a great way to discover authors I might be interested in reading (assuming I am interested in reading styles that are similar to my own).
4. It is an interesting way to spend a little time while searching for some inspiration (and has actually turned out to be some inspiration in and of itself).
5. I can see this working as a party theme (bring a segment of writing, plug into the generator, and that is your drinking name for the night; plug a segment of writing into the generator and come to the party as that person, we all have to guess etc).
6. I want to see if it is possible to put in a segment of writing that isn't "like" anyone (p.s. my money says it isn't).
7. I want to see if I have written anything like an author I know well enough to recognise so that I can compare.
8. It is entertaining (when it pops up Douglas Adams and you think "Oh hey, I like him, cool, go me", when you watch in fear of it popping up an author you don't like, like Marian Keys or a Bronte, when it pops up Charles Dickens and you think to yourself "Oh go no, please be based on Oliver Twist and not on Great Expectations"). This is something you can get together and laugh about with friends if you and your friends have the sort of crazy, over-educated, heavily literaturely influenced brains that would find this funny (ie. like me).
9. I don't know how it works which makes it interesting to me; I want to know if there is a difference in style between my stream of conciousness, my random blog posts, my content heavy blog posts, my emotion heavy blog posts, my story writing; I want to know if I can work out what makes it think any given segment is in a persons style, what are the parameters?
10. Finally, because it makes you think about style, which is something that good writers have, and yet isn't something that we generally think about... and I think being able to manipulate your style is important but it is also important to be able to be consistant, particularly if you have commercial aspirations. After all, part of the reason for buying Terry Prachett is you know that you will get a book you enjoy reading - you might like the characters, the progression, the plot, but in the end you go back to him because of his style... the way he writes is as important as (if not more important than) what he writes about. And so having a style, being consistant, that is something that can be improved on. Obviously, I am not thinking of writing commercially with any seriousness. As nice as it would be to make money from doing something that I A) enjoy and B) do anyway, I would have to conquer that enormous stumbbling block of letting other people read things that I have written... not to mention the distance my writting has to go before it could be generally considered commercially.

Style. It's not something to take too seriously, but it is something I am thinking about. And it is also fun, which is also awesome. Also, there aren't many authors I really dislike, I am an omnivorous and gluttonous reader. Great expectations is the only book I have ever given up on (I was reading four other things at the time, and I just couldn't be bothered with it and never went back to it... the bookmark is still in, I could yet go back...). Jane Eyre is the book I most hated and part of that was that it isn't a good genre for me anyway and part of that was over hype (I had a friend who LOVED it and raved about it) and partly it is because it is awful, the characters are horrible and the plot is worse (in my humble opinion...). And both of those books the issue was only part style, partly the problem was content. So there aren't many "bad results" as far as I am concerned, I can't think of a result that would seriously offend me. Maybe if it said my style was Mills and Boons I might have a wee cry? So potentially avoid if you are easily offended?

This post was brought to you in the style of Dan Brown (I assume a la the DaVinci Code, but there are surely other Dan Browns out there) apparently. I have read, but not thought terribly hard about, Dan Brown's books about 4 years ago... I know that he writes in the first person, and I think I remember a fairly conversational tone. Maybe not much imagry? Maybe he makes a lot of lists? I might have to re-read him just to work out what that result means.

Fell in love with this song.

new look

I don't have a huge aversion to change, as a person. If I am in a situation I don't like, I think about it until I have a clear path, and then I change that situation. If I am friends with someone who isn't good for me or someone I think doesn't really care about me, I let that relationship fade away. Sure, I don't dye my hair, or buy into new fashion, but that is more about the cost and effort rather than the change. I will try almost anything. New and change aren't negative words for me.
As a person.

As a creative agent however, change isn't really my friend. Whether I am writing, painting, drawing, photographing, doing yoga, even just practising one of my instruments I am strongly influenced by changes. Every change. Changes in company, changes in weather, changes in location, changes in time, my changes in mood (both long and short term), my changes in perspective, the list goes on and ever on. The cat shifting in position can completely interupt my thought process, and another poem will never see the light of day. All the changes in other peoples lives surrounding me (as well as my own) over the past few years have influenced my creative interludes extensively, and I anticipate more changes in the near future. Who knows where that will leave me.

Today, I took a deep breath and changed the look of my blog. As you may be able to see. I don't even know if it is possible to change it back. This means little to me as a person, but a lot to me as a writer (I don't really think of this as blogging). I really liked the old blog style. The colours combined in just the right way to make me want to write something when I visit the page (which is often because it is my home page). But as a person I like change, and I tell myself that it is a good thing for me as a writer. This layout may induce me to write even more than the old layout! It also may completely drain my desire to write here. The plan in that situation is to try another new layout till I find something that works for me. I am making this change in the hopes that it will induce me to make changes that will lead to me writing more in general without the usual depression driving it, and undertaking more creative things in general too... The more creativity in my life the better I think. I am aspiring to creativity as my main mode of transport, rather than the life-raft I only find when I am half drowning.

whelmed

There is too much going on. Too much.
And I would know, I can't hold onto perspective these days.
I feel like I am being pulled in a million directions. Everyone wants something from me. Attend this, do that, achieve this, be that.

I can't say anything, without it potentially being interpreted as pertaining to everything or anything else. And so of course, because for some nonsense reason that is just the way things work, it would be now that I feel most like shouting.

The world is spinning wildly on its axis.
I am screaming at the sky.
Shadows or dragons slide out from the corners.
And the message is for someone who does not know to listen.

a long long time ago

Once upon a time, a long long time ago, when the world was small and safe and made sense, there was someone that I loved. Later, when the world left me jaded, I understood that childhood love is a trecherous and shifting thing, as is childhood itself. And that I never loved him with a passionate love at all, but I was able to say that I did, because he would never notice and my friends needed to hear something. But I did love him, in the way of a sister for a brother, or a girl who never had a brother for a boy who didn't mind that she would never fit anywhere.

He has changed since then, of course. He isn't who he was. The boy who was terrified of growing to be his father, the boy who swore that he would never grow to be his father, grew to be his father and knows no fear, and does not keep his promises.

Time has passed by, as it does, and I no longer see him. I guess, I haven't known him for years. But when I am more alone than usual, and when I remember or am reminded that I don't fit anywhere and never have, I miss him. And I know he isn't who he was, just as I am not who I was, and I probably wouldn't miss who he actually is if I did know him... but I miss him all the same.

reality questions

If we don't talk/interact/see one another... if I haven't heard from you in days/weeks/months/years... at what point should I start to wonder if you are still my friend/still ok/still exist?

How much longer/shorter is this interval if you use/don't use social networking sites, through which I could ascertain that you did in fact exist, just that we haven't been in touch?

When I disappear off the grid, as I tend to, at what point do you question my continued presence in the universe? Is there a time period? If I stop updating my facebook/twitter/flickr/blog how long do you wait before you worry/try to contact me to see if I am ok? Does commenting/'liking' someones updates mean you are in touch with them?
Who should have to contact who? Assuming that no "injury" has occured, and time and circumstance alone has discontinued contact? Not assuming that?
If you move to another country/city, does that make it your obligation because you made that choice and moved? Theirs because you have clearly gone through significant upheaval? Both because that is the obligation of friendship?

Does friendship have a time limit/expiry date? A threshold at which time heals the wound that is the distance between people, just as time binds people together to heal the wound that is lonelyness?
How long can I consider someone to be a close friend when they know nothing about what is going on in my life? And don't endevour to find out? At what point do you accept that a person has faded out of your life?

Also, if someone is getting married, but you can't attend for some reason (bearing in mind that many people consider marriage a big deal, and something that they expect their friends/family/acquaintances to go to great lengths and travel vast distances and spend a lot of money to attend said ceremonies) does that make you less friends with them because you didn't put in "more effort"? Or does it make them less friends with you for asking you to attend something when there were such significant obstacles between you and said attendance? Or does it change nothing in the grand scheme?

Maybe no one else will notice!

first, look in the sidebar! FISH!!!
You can click on their pool to feed them...

Yeah, I am a geek. Shhhhh, maybe no one else will notice!

second, today I plotted my blog posts over time to see if there was a specific time period in which I am most "productive". I write more in winter. I generally write nothing in January...

Yeah, I am a geek. Shhhhh, maybe no one else will notice!

third, I added a search bar so I could search my blog so that hopefully I wont harp on about the same topic over and over. I do this for you guys. Speaking of topics I harp on about, don't eat Tuna. It is unsustainable. They dont' start breeding till they are 20 years old, and we rip them out of the water at 10 years... the population is not replacing itself, and they can't be farmed because they are migratory. Every piece of tuna you eat could be your last ever - they are critically endangered, and our delightful government in all their glorious wisdom has increased the quota for them. Don't fight with me about this. Eating Tuna is like eating Kiwi, or tuatara, or orangutan, or giant panda or something like that. I don't care if it is tasty, cause you can't keep tuna in a zoo like those other animals so once they are gone you will have no one to blame but yourself.

Yeah, I am a geek. Shhhhh, maybe no one else will notice!

edit ~ also, I did a quiz online - obviously a totally reliable source of information and opinion on me as a person, knowing all my ins and outs and ups and downs more intimately than I know them myself... - it told me that I was J.D. Salinger. The writer famous for writing endlessly and not publishing anything because he didn't want the attention (good or bad) and a total recluse. Do you think that means I should put my writing "out there" a little... like actually post it some times? Or do you think that what it actually means is that I take myself and online quizes too seriously?

anti-compromise

Ok, so the thing is...

I knew, when I decided to undertake postgrad study, that I was giving up a lot.
I signed up for not having a life, not seeing my friends, not having free time that wasn't accounted for, not playing the games I enjoy, not having time to get in contact with the people I love, not having the time I want to spend on recreational pursuits, not sleeping, not having time to read for enjoyment and not having any money. I knew all that. And I willingly signed up for it. I was happy with that trade, and I thought the prize was worth the cost. I put my name on the dotted line in blood.

BUT

I went through that contract 3 times over, with a fine toothed comb... so fine toothed FLOUR can't get through this thing. And not once, NOT ONCE, did it say any damn thing about me having to give up Saint Patricks Day.

And nothing but strong language will suffice here.
Language too strong to type.
Language that can only be drowned in a glass of guinness.
There will be hell to pay for this, and I will be taking it out on the only thing I can - My liver. Liver, come Friday, you better forget you never knew what water was.

Ahhhh, yeah, so, Happy St Pattys to the rest of you lucky sods.

Self-acceptance

So it was really cool, the other day I ran into two friends on the same day, completely unplanned. I love being home!
Anyway, one of my friends was talking about "the day she realised she liked who she was" - in her car coming home from a guys house.
And it made me think about self-acceptance. So now I am going to muse at you! :D

So, to clarify my thoughts I guess; first, you achieve self awareness - where you realise who you are and what you are like (as a person, friend, lover, worker, etc and as seperate to your family, friends, aquiantances, job i.e. finding individuality (and this does not preclude lieing to yourself, unfortuantely the self aware are just as human as any one else)), and after that you can achieve self-acceptance - where you know who you are and you like it! Self-acceptance doesn't necessarily imply not wanting to change some things about yourself, we aren't talking about people who think they are perfect (those people have their own problems), more that you wont "self loathe" if you don't manage to implement change on the features of yourself you find less ideal.
I know a lot of people, and many of those people talk to me about the most bizarre things, so I know that several of the people I know, who are at the same age as me, have not gotten to the point of self-acceptance. Quite a few of them haven't gotten to self knowledge, but that is life for you. And I will admit that my friend who is at self-acceptance, at least superficially she doesn't have much that most people wouldn't be able to accept.

I am rambling.

Anyway, I guess I have two things to say on the subject.
The first thing is that generally, I think people assume that they are self-aware and self-accepting, and they don't put the effort into it that they should - and then later they surprise themselves, and have to lie to themselves to get back into the persona they make for themselves. And they have to go far from the people who love them to explore who they are (or try on a new persona).
The second thing is that whenever I think I am self aware, and self-accepting, I think of something really daft I have done and I wonder... I think I became self aware very early on, pre my teens, because I didn't fit in anywhere and I needed to know why. And I think I reached self-acceptance when I turned down a guy who liked me and the guy had a go at me for it. I did some strange things in the wake of that self-acceptance...
But I lost it again when someone I trusted betrayed me. I doubted everything and everyone, and I had to work so hard to get back to the point where I didn't hate who I was.

Self-acceptance doesn't seem to kill dragons. But it does stop me from feeling so much like the dragons will drag me down.

giggling

This isn't in my usual vein of thought, but a friend posted this as her facebook status, and I felt I had to share it.

"There's a reason it's called 'girls gone wild' and not 'women gone wild'. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub."

Apparently it is a quote by Louis CK, who is an American stand-up comedian, Emmy-winning screenwriter, actor, producer and director (according to wikipedia).

I read this and nearly fell off my chair.
Guess I have always been a woman...

and also
ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

the weather

It is SO HOT!
I usually try to talk about something more substantial than the weather. Which is because I usually try to THINK about something more substantial than the weather. BUT IT IS SO HOT!
Currently my mind is not acting in its usual capacity. It's behaving much less like a bizzare medeival museum/library with its own open-plan labratory and the worlds best stocked jukebox, and much more like a cool place to hang out that has been closed down because IT IS SO HOT and everyone is kind of hanging around outside unsure of where else to go.

Pre-meltdown, I was thinking about the people I knew and how much they have changed. This train of thought came to me some time ago when I had a conversation with someone I met years ago and haven't seen in half a decade. I had been repeatedly assured that he had changed, and I think he has, though perhaps not as much as my friends claimed, he definately presented himself better than he once did. I think I have changed too though, I feel I was much more open minded than I would have been going into this meeting than I would have if it had been years ago. Which was a jolt for me, because I guess I don't see myself as changing very much, in my mind everyone else has changed so much and I haven't really. I guess those changes have happened much more imperceptively because I lived through them. And so I have been trying to remember what everyone else was like back then... what I was like back then. And a little bit, whether I have changed in a good way or a bad way or both. It is hard though, I am not at a good angle to look backwards like that. I don't have the right perspective... it is hard to imagine, remember, to pin-point your own innocence, and nievity... and I was. How do you conjure your own trust, and blind faith, and optimism? How can you comprehend the things that seemed so important. Some things I don't think you can ever really get back.

And I wonder if some of the people who have changed would have liked or understood the person they have changed into.
And I wonder if I would have liked or understood the person I have become, and the life I have chosen. And I am a tiny bit scared that someone who knew me back then would misunderstand who I am now.

But mostly, I am thinking about how hot it is, and how nice going to sleep in a nice cool bed would be. Alas, it is not to be. I might not like to be cold, but there is no feeling as suffocating, as trapping as being hot with nothing to do about it.

psychotic break

Oh god.
what am I doing??

I can't do this, I am not able to do this, I am not qualified to do this. How did I even get myself into this position???

I am never going to make it. I am such a fraud. :(

watch this space

no, really, watch it carefully... it might explode.
Damn it, it's like some crazy kind of writers block... in which I have plenty to say, but can't actually get around to typing it out. I am working on it though... next few days, I will say something... or something...