roghnú

It's Irish for choose.
I am been thinking about choosing, and about choices just lately.

Firstly... I have been thinking about choose/choice semantically.
Choose is one of the words that is irreplaceable in english. Looking at the thesaurus entry for choose leads to such words as select or pick. However the virtue of choose as a word is not just the dictionary definition but the accumulated connotations, that prevent words like pick or select from being interchangable. Choose may simply mean to select one from many alternatives, however to choose carrys overtones of essential freedom.
The line is "free to choose" not "at liberty to select", and the word choice is overloaded with that implication, not just in America. If someone says they made a choice, we assume that choice was made without duress... people pick in emergancy situations or when they are forced to; while making a choice may be a difficult action, it is not a action made while constrained or supressed.
Agree? I think that's interesting.

Secondly... I have been thinking about choose/choice existentially.
Different people have different perspectives on what "makes" a person. The nature vs nurture debate stands strong, but additionally different philosophies maintain that "who we are" or "what matters" (whether from a spiritual, religious, or psychological/social perspective) is our actions, or our intentions, or our beliefs, or our kharma (our impact). And one of those philosophical positions is that we, as individuals and as social groups/societies/nations and humans, are the summation of our choices. Free will, in all it's glory and sorrow (and not necessarily with the religious connotations that are sometimes applied to that phrase). I think that's interesting.

Thirdly... I have been thinking about choose/choice practically.
All my life, I have been living in situations where I am free to make my own choices, but the repercusions of my choices effect not just myself. I want to be financially independant, I want to associate with people I like and to avoid people I dislike, I want to make spur of the moment decisions about the evenings plans. And none of the very wonderful people in my life would ever have stopped me from having these things that I want. But making those kinds of decisions effect the people in my life, not just me... Financial independance for example; while my parents approve of no longer being involved in my finances, it means my partner does not reap the benefits of dual incomes. And I want this badly but I realise that in practicality it is not the optimal conditions for him or for me... which makes it very hard to push my desires on the subject, let alone to talk about it reasonably. My options are to behave selfishly and be a bad and inconsiderate person, or to make choices not based on what I want but on what is best for everyone involved in my life.

Oh the things I might have done differently if I had known "then" what I know now. I might have fought harder to be independant from my parents, and I might have spent less money on food and clothes and more money on items that would last me longer and bring me more pleasure. I might have momentos of a time when I was young and independant and had no one to appease but myself. I might not have fallen so completely and thoughtlessly into a long term relationship before I had a chance to be beholden to no one except myself. And perhaps if I had made it all about "my life" back then, I would find it easier to accept that it isn't just my life now. Instead of feeling caged by obligation.

But one of the things I dislike most about myself is that I resent not being able to make decisions with only myself in mind. I do not seem to be able to just be selfish about it, and I do not seem to be able to gracefully accept the benevolent approach either. So instead, I am beneficent and resentful. And I am not just resentful of the people who benefit my efforts, but also of the people who ARE capable of making selfish decisions, and particularly those who make selfish decisions that effect me. It rubs it in... If I could just be more like that, look how I could live, and how much it would hurt the people I care about.
The problem, essentially, is that I don't want to be like that. I want to have been like that and grown out of it. Instead I learnt my lessons from other peoples mistakes, and now I wonder if it was worth it... My mistakes instead seem to be based on being too trusting and too reluctant to hurt people, and sometimes I think maybe the lesson I should have learnt was to be less trusting and more selfish, but the lesson I have come away with is to let less people in.

Ever wonder if you have screwed up everything in your life?

I probably haven't. My life is actually generally pretty awesome, and filled with some amazing people. Some awesome, confusing, crazy people cloaked in questions I can't ask and they can't answer and things I don't understand. Sure some of them are flakey and unreliable and I don't always know whether they care about me as much as I care about them, but in the grand scheme that isn't very relevent. My life is good, and if it isn't what I always dreamed it would be, that is probably a good thing because I was pretty convinced I would be a crazy cat lady and instead I dress in clothes that don't smell like cat pee and I actually get invited out places sometimes. (Back on track) I don't know that life can be this good if you screw it up. But I think I would appreciate it more if I had gotten to this point on a different path. If that is possible. Of course, all this musing changes nothing, I don't think my choices will change in the future because this is just who I am, and I don't think I will resent my life less and hopefully the people who know about this won't hold it against me.
It's just Dragons I guess. At the moment, the world is a little against me. Funny how when things are terrible you can't really talk about it and then when you can talk about it you don't really need to anymore.
I don't really think that is all that interesting, I just had to get it off my chest.