with every goodbye

I have learnt something about myself. I have learnt that I only write (poetry, prose etc) about emotions and events I have processed.
This has in the past caused me no end of agony. You are supposed to write your feelings out, and use that technique to process and deal with things, but it doesn't work for me. And numerous times I wanted to write something to commemurate an event or convey some emotion only to find myself buried in a tonne of cliche and unrhyming monotony.
But now I know the answer. I write when I have processed. So my poems of passion never occur at the start of a relationship, but months after. I can't write a eulogy effectively, it may be years till I can commit anything that doesn't sound like rubbish to paper. I guess my mother taught me too well not to speak in anger, now the anger doesn't show till it is gone. At my most intense moments there are no words... words are something that come with silence and time.
And what this means, in my self discovery, is that if I have written about it, I have dealt with it. If I can write goodbye, I mean it. I am optimistic about that, a rare state for me.

"I have found all that glitters in this world is sure to fade away again"

Forgetting

It amazes me, the things I forget. Things I shouldn't be able to forget.
How beautiful, surreally beautiful the world is.
How peaceful it is to be surrounded by the people you love.
How amazing it is to have a pet that adores you.
How relaxed I become when I am doing something I love (even if the something is not an inherently relaxing thing to do).
How familiar the faces are of the people I cherish.
How much the world can hurt, and how easily that pain yields with time.
How a broken heart always seems like the most painful experience ever... until someone you love passes away, and you find a wound that never fully heals, over time it becomes a dull ache that you learn not to touch or dwell on. And you learn that you can forget the curves of your lovers back and the feel of their skin, but the laugh lines around your grandmothers eyes and her joyous laugh stay with you forever.
How much I miss music, how the words of the song always come back to me when the music starts.
How easy it is really, to forget.

"Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

Oh?....

Does this make me... a writer?

Regardless, I think there might be truth there.

But more importantly, click the picture and check out the website - Surviving the world - it makes me laugh.

While we are there, if you haven't tried them already, check out xkcd and Kawaii Not. If you have tried them, do so again. There is no getting out of this! :D

influence

I remember when a friend of mine told me about a girl he liked, until he realised that the things he liked about her were thoughts and opinions and styles that she had adopted from someone else, that she didn't have anything that was her.

I remember thinking at the time (with my awesome psychological background) that we are all just social constructs, that we are all influenced by other people, that most of our opinions and likes and dislikes are introduced to us by our society, our friends and family. I remember thinking of music as an example of this, I like blues and jazz and rock and roll, and 60's pop music and early rock/metal because my parents liked them. I brought Nirvana's Nevermind not on the cover art, but because My-Almost-Big-Brother (who I totally idolised) owned it and said it was good, and I wonder if I could have had the capacity to dislike it given how much I cared about his opinion.

But I am now starting to see something more to what my friend said.
Yes we are social constructs. Yes we are influenced by the people in our lives toward the songs we listen to, and movies we watch, books we read, and the ideas we interact with. And it has to be that way, because there is so much content in the world and some of it is terrible and some of it is wonderful and we just don't have the lifespan to find everything on our own.
BUT
We don't have to like everything our friends like. We don't have to love the song because that dreamy so and so suggested it. While our knowledge can be influenced by what we are exposed to, in the end our tastes are up to us. Intolerant people who live in isolated places and hate other groups because they don't know better - that can be understood. But people who live in the advanced society of today with all the benefits of technology to broaden their horizons who still manage that intolerance of others... People like that exist, enough people to ban gay marriage in California no less. Of course, there are plenty of these mirror people who aren't about intolerance. They just go through life liking the songs that their friends like, reading the books that their teachers give them, liking what they think other people like, and disliking things that others dislike. And then changing their minds as soon as they realise that other people have. AND hating the people who have the oposite idealogy.

Example 1. There are a set of people obsessed with Twilight. There are a set of people who hate twilight. Cool, each to their own, I understand both sides of the arguement. But there are a set of people who love twilight only because their friends do. And there is a much larger set of people who hate twilight because their friends do, without reading or watching or knowing anything about it. Now, I don't really care what your twilight opinion is. I think everyone is entitled to their own opinion. But it does piss me off that some peoples opinions aren't even their own!

Example 2. People who start dating and suddenly change what music they listen to, books they read, games they play, movies they watch, topics they talk about, people they talk to, opinions about things are just as bad. Surely the relationship didn't begin based on the desire of each party to date themself? I understand that over time, with as people combine their lives, they do tend toward similar tastes because as we have discussed, we can't help but influence each other. But mirror people do so at the start of a relationship, less than a year in, they are a clone of their partner. And it strikes me as a bit sick.

Anyway, that is what bugs me today.

grey day

It saddens me how the people who claim to love me most in the world have no qualms about ruining my day... How did I end up with so many people in my life who are happy to off load on to me, and so few who I can talk to?

I started writing here because I had so much I needed to talk about, and no one to talk to. And little by little I told people I care about that it was here, because like most people I don't really want to be talking to the dragons. But so often now when I say anything at all, someone takes it personally or gets upset by it. And I do understand that because people care, theoretically they get upset or hurt when I am. But I don't need empathy really, I am want someone to hear me. Just to know what is going on without getting emotive about it. Because I care about the people in my life too, and when people get upset by my problems I try to make them feel better instead of myself and I end up not talking to them about it. And I can't stop doing that, I have tried.

To use an old metaphor, I have surrounded myself with knights and warriors and lords and amazons... and what I need now is a confidant.
Which is not at all meant to devalue the people I have in my life, the people I love. Because they are wonderful, and make my life amazing, and I wouldn't trade them for a second. And I am sure that many people would offer to be there for me, because my friends are wonderful people. But... I guess, just at the moment, I feel really lonely.

Its ok, it is fixable, I just needed to get it off my chest so I can move past it.

fairness

I have been unfair to her. While there are things about her that I do not like, I have hated her for the wrong reasons. I hated her because I could not bear to blame him for the hurt he caused me.

As she (to my knowledge) does not know I disliked her, there isn't much point in giving this appology to her. It would require too much back story, too much explaination. But I have to make it all the same.

This is my appology to the girl who I have wronged.

Missing

A thing happened (which is unimportant), and I got to thinking as I do.
Sometimes, people in my life go away, for whatever reason... They fall in love, they are searching for the undefinable thing that will make their life "thingish", they dream an impossible dream and it leads them to tilt at windmills far away, whatever...

And it often surprises me how I feel about it.

I have a friend who is far away, who I hadn't seen for a long time before he went but it hurts and I miss him every day. And yet another friend who was an active part of my life who I now haven't spoken to for a long time cause he has other stuff that is more important to him and I expected to be really hurt and miss him heaps but I don't.

I couldn't have anticipated these reactions.

Is it because my distant friend is closer to me, or has been a friend longer? or because I suspect that he is unhappy? or is it that I anticipated my other friend leaving my life? or that I am happier now? Maybe I miss my distant friend so much I don't have room for more?

I guess it isn't important. But I like where my headspace is right now. I have the right people in my life, and the right amount of activity and challenge (I do wish my distant friend would come home though, it would be icing for an already superior cake).
... I have started to write again ... though we will see if anything readable comes of it ...

I am not overly concerned

I have been listening to this song a lot lately. I love this song, I tend to forget and rediscover it with odd regularity. He said (jokingly) he thinks I like it because of the "I am not overly concerned", because I say that a lot. I am sure that it isn't the only reason, but perhaps it resonates with me because he phrases things the way I would? I think I like it just because it is beautiful... But I liked his observation all the same.


Different he - said some really intuitive things... again... and I remembered how I always forget how much he amazes me because we laugh and have fun and then he says something that stuns me because he is so intelligent and so perceptive and I think he deliberately hides that sometimes and then we are laughing again about something that no one else gets and then he is gone and I never know when or if I will see him again and the things he said swirl around in my head and make me laugh randomly and strangers look at me oddly. It is like we are on the same wavelength. I don't feel like know him well enough to like him as much as I do, but I do... I adore him. And that isn't like me, especially nowdays, time is only making me more jaded and distant. But I never see him under my own power, and he never seeks me out. It's like some kind of magic and if you look too closely it might disappear. But I am so glad of him, because perhaps just for the reason that he is so intermitantly in my life, he makes me feel happy and special when he acts like nothing has changed even though it has been years. He makes me feel like we are very close, and like I am important to him, even though all the evidence is to the contrary. For him, more than anyone else in the world, I just suspend my disbelief entirely. Perculiar.

I also really like this song; I would like it anyway, because bittersweet is something I am inclined to, but you can probably pic why I might be a little biased to it.

overload

breeding larvae
disease resistance
nutrition
predator deterance
AND... ?? I need one more

"This years love it better last, heaven knows its high time."

To explain the mathematics of inbreeding depression and genetic rescue or not, that is the question.

Have I gone into enough detail about the problems with genetic rescue?

They say that you have to choose between what is right and what is easy... I must be right, cause SHE is EASY.

oh god, I hope the information for the presentation is quick to find, because I haven't started and I dont' really have time for it. I think I can manage. I think I can.

"She had excuses and she chose to use them"... ... "I don't predict the future, I don't care about the past."

mmmmmmmmmmmmm Pizza

Type, type, type, type, type, type.
FOCUS

"Are you scared of your own sin?"

Nervous, which is dumb. Hopeful, which is also silly.

"To live when you think you are dying, to love when you feel like crying, to stand when you think you are going to fall, its just fear after all."

*edited to quote other peoples voices*

sunshine

Today has not been the paramount of days. An early start led to a meeting which has left me with even more work to do before Monday, and I am more than concerned at how far behind I am with one essay incomplete and another unstarted and now this presentation to prepare and my weekend was looking to be filled with social obligations that I may not be able to attend. A muscle in my eye has begun to twitch. I anticipate a lack of sleep in my future.

I am listening to Jeff Buckley - I know it's over. A song that usually makes me melencoly.

Perhaps it is the sunlight that has been more invasive than normal, perhaps it is the attention and love I recieved today, perhaps it is a lapse into insanity, perhaps it is finding the perfect words to sum up how I feel for once.
It shouldn't be possible.
And yet, in this moment, I am happy.

geometry

I feel like I have come full circle. I am about where I was this time last year in many ways. It is hard to believe that so much has happened in my life between now and then, and yet so little.

This time last year I was so busy I could barely breathe, just like now.

I felt lonely, like I do now, and yet my life was/is filled with people. The amount of people that are in my life in a 'real' sense may have doubled, but just like then, I feel a little like they fill up my time but there isn't any depth. I still have the same few, wonderful, close friends that I had then. This year I feel that I spend more time with those people, and that makes me happy.

as before, it seems that people come and go in my life, and it isn't always the people who I would expect who make the choice to stay. The number of people that I have stayed in touch with from Hamilton surprises and delights me. I am always saddened by the people who leave. I always take it personally, for some reason. Like I can help if a person falls in love and falls away, or finds the climate of a distant land more inviting. I have been looking at relationships as needs based lately, trying a different perspective... I guess that everyone has needs, and we retain the relationships with the people who meet our needs, and whose needs we meet; when someone leaves, it is just they don't need anything from me any more, and I have been replaced. I can accept that. I can let go. A few tears will not drown me.

A disturbing proportion of my friends are falling in love and into relationships with people I don't consider worthy of them just like last year. Like last year, I set about to avoid these friends, not out of malice but out of charity. I know I am burning too hot right now and I hate being rude, but I am not feeling tolerant.

Just like last year, I am unsure of myself. I feel that I have fallen in the deep end, and that sink or swim is upon me. I am uncertain of my choices, and I do not want to fail.

Like last year, I do not trust.

The difference for me is that this year, I am happy where I am. Sure, many things have gone very differently to how I wanted. Tears have fallen, and disappointments cut deep. But I am happy.

*cut to the cheesy ending*
"But the sun rolling high
Through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round"
The circle of life by Elton John

ahahaha
maybe not
More of a grateful dead kind of girl myself... The wheel

"The wheel is turning and you can't slow down,
You can't let go and you can't hold on,
You can't go back and you can't stand still,
If the thunder don't get you then the lightning will."

aftershock

I know your secret. I know your secret and you didn't tell me yourself, making it even worse.
You were sure I would get upset about it, so you didn't tell me... what, to spare me the pain? Did you not realise I would find out, that I would have to know eventually?
So guess what? Someone else told me instead.
Now, not only am I hurt and distressed and angry with your choice, but I am hurt and upset and angry that you didn't tell me, that you have been withholding the information... basically lieing to me by pretending that nothing had changed.

If you had told me, I would have said I thought it was a bad choice. I would have said that it would effect our friendship a little, that we couldn't go on as normal but that we could still be friends.
Now... I don't actually think we are friends any more. I am not sure... but how can you be friends with someone who lies to you? how can you be friends with someone that you can't trust because they wont tell you the whole truth, and will make decisions that effect you and with-hold the information because they don't want to 'hurt' you, or they don't want you to be able to factor it into your decisions?
You didn't want me to make this choice? You can't influence my decisions any more than I can influence yours, and if you don't respect me enough to let me make my own choices then we aren't friends anyway.

This realisation would have left me curled up on the floor, shaking and sobbing and trying to breathe... but despite your lies and assurances, I admit I have been bracing for it. I have been guessing, from your silence. So I am not in tears yet, I am not shaking yet. I am sad, but I am calm. Maybe I am growing up, or maybe I am becoming jaded - what does it mean when the dissappointments and the betrayals and the lies of the world and the people in it no long leave you in tears and in shock and in pain?

Shift

He cheated on her.
And no one can quite believe it.
He just wasn't "the type", you know?
And suddenly we are in limbo.
If he can cheat on her, how can we be certain about anything? If we didn't see this in him, do we really know any one?
Perspectives shift, and we doubt the world and the people in it.
I hope they work it out though, because for all it is a major, I think they truly love one-another. It was a mistake... But then, what do I know? I never would have dreamed this.

saddest song, part 7

These two songs might not be on everyone's sad song list, but they are on mine.
I don't really have a good explanation for that.

Say goodbye - Dave Matthews Band

And tomorrow
Back to being friends
Lovers...love...lovers
Just for tonight, one night...love you
And tomorrow say goodbye

Even Superman - Ryan Shupe and the Rubberband

Everybody loves and everybody falls and everybody, everybody feels this way
Cause even Superman has kryptonite
Though he tries with all his might
Even Superman falls to his knees
Beggin' "please, please, please, please"
Beggin' "please, please, please, please"

the saddest song, part 6

This song has always been really sad to me.

But I love this rendition, because of his intro...

"Once upon a time a long time ago in a far off land by the
sea there lived a much-maligned dragon. Don't you know that
it was really a pity because--there never was a different
meaning other than the obvious one. But the magic dragon is
only about--the loss of innocence of children. And now you
can tell your friends that you've heard it from the dragon's
father himself. And another thing you'll notice that we are
singing this song earlier in the program than we ever sang
it before. That's because many of the children who used to
come were very young would fall asleep before it was
possible for them to hear it. So all that goes to show that
even after 25 years a group like us can still learn
something new. Sing it with me now..."

But who doesn't get a tear when they hear

A dragon lives forever but not so little boys
Painted wings and giant rings make way for other toys.
One grey night it happened, jackie paper came no more
And puff that mighty dragon, he ceased his fearless roar.
His head was bent in sorrow, green scales fell like rain,
Puff no longer went to play along the cherry lane.
Without his life-long friend, puff could not be brave,
So puff that mighty dragon sadly slipped into his cave. oh!

the saddest song, part 5

I should qualify that these are songs that break my heart, and that means that some of the songs are bittersweet, and some are love gone wrong, and some are about forgetting and some are about not finding what you want or need,and some are about waste, and some are about broken hearts... sometimes the songs that are the saddest to me aren't sad at all to other people, because they resonate with something in me that makes me sad, or remind me of something.

And then there is Blue October, this guy just kills me every moment. I have listened to quite a lot of their songs, but I keep coming back to

Hate me by Blue October

So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

though if you haven't listened to Kangaroo Cry you really should.

And here are a set of songs you might never have heard of...
I'm walking behind you - Eddie Fisher

I'm walking behind you on your wedding day
And I'll hear you promise to love and obey
Though you may forget me, you're still on my mind
Look over your shoulder, I'm walking behind

My mothers father asked for this to be played at her wedding when he passed away (she was 10 years old).

And because they have to be mentioned and so I will do them here and all at once, the irish folk songs.
The green fields of france - the fureys

And Did you leave a wife or a sweetheart behind?
In some faithful heart, is your memory enshrined?
And though you died back in Nineteen-Sixteen,
To that loyal heart you're forever nineteen,
Or are you a stranger without even a name,
Enclosed there forever behind the glass pane,
In an old photograph torn and tattered and stained,
And fading to yellow in a brown leather frame

Molly Malone

She died of a faver and no one could save her
And that was the end of sweet Molly Malone
Now her ghost wheels her barrow
Through streets broad and narrow
Crying, "Cockles and mussels, alive, alive oh"

I will take you home Kathleen

To that dear home beyond the sea
My Kathleen shall again return.
And when thy old friends welcome thee
Thy loving heart will cease to yearn.

The fields of Athenry

By a lonely prison wall I heard a young man calling
Nothing matters, Mary, when you're free
Against the famine and the Crown
I rebelled they cut me down
Now you must raise our child with dignity.

Danny Boy

And if you come, when all the flowers are dying
And I am dead, as dead I well may be
You'll come and find the place where I am lying
And kneel and say an "Ave" there for me.

And this song is personally very bittersweet for me. The first time I heard this song, it was played at a family gathering with my mums mother and her brothers and their families. I remember it was the first time I ever heard my Nanna sing, she had a beautiful voice, and the expression on her face was far away. My pop used to play this song on his accordian, before he passed away, and it held many happy memories for her. I remember her very clearly when I hear this song, and it reminds me how much I miss her.
When irish eyes are smiling

When Irish eyes are smiling
Sure it's like a morning spring.
In the lilt of Irish laughter,
You can hear the angels sing.
When Irish hearts are happy,
All the world seems bright and gay.
And when Irish eyes are smiling,
Sure, they steal your heart away.

I cried writing this post. :)

the saddest song, part 4

I deliberately avoided the question. Even now, I have to fight the urge not to answer it. I keep twitching... It's the first time I have not told the complete truth as soon as I knew it, the first time I have with-held information. It stings a little. I console myself that the truth is known, it is just in denial.

Hard choices for the list today, audioslave and pearl jam both have heart breaking moments. I thought about Like a stone but...

Doesn't remind me - Audioslave

I like studying faces in a parking lot
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like driving backwards in the fog
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

Choosing a Pearl Jam song was shockingly hard. I came down to wishlist, nothingman and elderly women behind a counter in a small town. but in the end

Nothingman - Pearl Jam

once divided...nothing left to subtract...
some words when spoken...can't be taken back...
walks on his own...with thoughts he can't help thinking...
future's above...but in the past he's slow and sinking...
caught a bolt 'a lightnin'...cursed the day he let it go...

Thank you for the contributions, they are going on the list.

The saddest song, part 3

I resolved to only put one Jeff Buckley song on my list, and one Our lady peace song. These were particularly difficult choices. So difficult I may not actually stick to my rule... :p
I miss my cds.

so, song 5 and 6
4am - Our lady peace

And If I don't make it known that
I've loved you all along
Just like sunny days that
We ignore because
We're all dumb and jaded
And I hope to God I figure out
what's wrong

Your winter - Sister Hazel

The grey ceiling on the earth
Well it's lasted for a while
Take my thoughts for what they're worth
I've been acting like a child
In your opinion, and what is that?
It's just a different point of view

the saddest song, part 2

I am mentally preparing myself for purging a friends list or two.
It just hurts too much.

number 4 is
Last goodbye, by Jeff Buckley

This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die.
But it's over
Just hear this and then I'll go:
You gave me more to live for,
More than you'll ever know.
Well, this is our last embrace,
Must I dream and always see your face?
Why can't we overcome this wall?
Baby, maybe it's just because I didn't know you at all.

The saddest song, part 1

Usually, when I am feeling sad, I fight it tooth and nail.

People don't like it when you feel sad. Friends worry about you. People who care try and fix you, or offer you sage advice. And it makes me feel like a failure because I can't be happy like they want or need me to be, and I hate lieing about it, and it just isn't that easy to fix.

So, usually when I am feeling sad, and surrounded by dragons, I fight it tooth and nail. I try to find reasons for it, I try to change things in my life that might be causing it, I fixate and obsess about things to take my mind away from it. I talk to people, not about what I am feeling right now, but about things that have niggled me in the past. And generally I make a fucking mess of things, and end up hurting someone... because I am wrong, or because I am right but I do it badly, or because what I am doing doesn't actually matter, doesn't need to be said. I try not to do this, but somehow it happens.
And then I fixate on the horrible mess I have made, and it makes me sad, and I cry some, and then I fixate on it some more... I am sick of making other people confused or hurt or sad.

My current plan is to collect a list of the saddest songs every written. In my opinion.
The first song on my list is
The carnival is over, by the seekers

"Now the harbour light is calling
This will be our last goodbye
Though the carnival is over
I will love you till I die"

And the second song is
Hurt, by Johnny Cash

"And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt"

And the third is
Fire and rain, by James Taylor

"Just yesterday morning they let me know you were gone
Susanne the plans they made put an end to you
I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song
I just can't remember who to send it to
I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again"

Please feel free to pass on any suggestions.

time out

I saw a dragon today. I can't deal with dragons right now. I have too much work to do, and lots of time management going on.
I wonder if the dragons will let me call a time out?

Song of the day

My Dandelion introduced this song to me. And I love it. I have loved it for a long time, but it is sticking to me at the moment, so I am linking it here. It is heart-acheing and beautiful and true. It resonates.

It's called Almost lover, by A Fine Frenzy.

Question of the day

How do you tell someone that you have enjoyed their friendship, and that you have always thought they were awesome, but that they have changed?
How do you say that you were prepared to deal with it for a while, but that you are sick of being used now, and sick of them pretending?
How do you convey that you love a person, but their behaviour just hurts, and that you would love to be a part of their life, but not like this?
How do you let them know that they always said they would never be like this, but now they are like this and that as important as they are to you, maybe they need to get this out of their system or be this person and that maybe you need to not be around while they work it all out?
How do you make it clear that things will not be as they were before, because things were that way because of the way they behaved and they behave differently now so now things are different?

And if you to manage to get all that out... do you think the person would listen? do you think they would understand? do you think they would get it? do you think that anything would change? do you think it could be done without hurting them?
or do you think that the person would never speak to you again?

Sometimes people are too hard. This is why I like cats. They don't adore you for ages, and then suddenly inexplicably just talk to you often enough to say that they aren't ignoring you and maintain that nothing has changed.

Coin

Sometimes, I get the feeling that a few of my relationships are very one sided. I put a lot of work in, I make conversation, I arrange outtings... And I wonder what would happen if I just stopped, if I didn't contact that person and find things to talk about... One day, would they say to themself, Oh, haven't heard from her in a while, really miss her, maybe I will call her and ask her how she is doing and arrange to have coffee with her? or would they just never think of me again? or somewhere in between: would they think of me and never "get around" to calling? get distracted from calling? or assume that since I haven't called that I must be busy and not want them to call?
Part of me wants to say "lets see if they think I am worth making an effort for", and part of me is pretty sure that they don't think I am. Put aside the "of course I like you" statements (after all, social pressure forces such a statement if directly questioned), and consider whether their general conversation and behaviour implies the same sentiment.

Meanwhile, I worry that all the time and energy that I sink into these relationships means that I neglect some of the people in my life. There are people who probably feel the same way about me as I am feeling.
And then I worry that I am hurting the very worthwhile people in my life and cultivating the unhelpful ones.
And then I decide (and this is new for me) that I can't just assume that I am doing it wrong, my lack of self esteem is not doing me good; and that I should make a list of people I haven't seen for a while and see if I can organise to see them, or call them if they are far away.

the love and love and love.

I watched you fall in love.
I cheered for you with your triumphs.
I cried for you when it hurt you.
And I am sorry that it didn't work out how you would have liked. But I think that this will make you smile later. There may yet be a fairytale.

I watched you fall in love.
And I am sorry, but I had to laugh.
At the impossibility, at a choice that perhaps could not be less suited.
But I will be sorry if it doesn't work out for you... though I can not see it, I want you to be happy. Stranger things have happened.

I watched you fall in love.
And I screamed and I screamed and I screamed against it.
It's like watching you set yourself on fire, like watching you throw yourself off a cliff; smiling.
I am sorry, because if it works out I wont be happy for you, and if it doesn't, I don't think I will be there to pick up the pieces. It is too hard to watch you romance your demon.

Peace

I wish things were different. But they aren't. And I am actually more and more ok with that.
Whether I am resigned because I don't have a choice, or I have come to terms, or maybe I have just started to decide this is right? Who knows?

I know what I want, and what I need. And I am going to do my best to get those things, whilst making room for the people I love to be in my life.

You should do the same.

....................... And to be honest... I don't really understand?

"I am a big girl, just tell me"
- Inara Sera, Firefly.

Just

Just a friend
Just a girl
Just a little too much work
Just not quite what I'm looking for
Just not enough
Just about
Just too loud/quiet/friendly/weird
Just a little too reserved
Just lovely but...
Just can't
Just such a "nice" person
Just got distracted
Just forgot

Why do I keep hopeing that one day, there won't be a "just" in the sentence? I guess no one really wants to be described as "merely".
I am not going to be only me all my life.
I am going to be The Only Me.
One day I am going to be exceptional, and you are going to regret that you always thought of me in terms of just...

resonance

If you want it come and get it for crying out loud
The love that I was giving you was never in doubt
Babylon - David Gray

"It's just an object. Doesn't mean what you think."

It makes me sad that you are in love with her, and I know it.
It makes me sad that you won't tell me.
It makes me sad that you said you wouldn't make a choice and you did.
It makes me sad that you said you wouldn't get sick of me and you did.
It makes me sad that you pretend.
It makes me sad that you don't have time for me any more.
It makes me sad that I am not worth the effort.
It makes me sad that I was starting to feel really good about myself.
It makes me sad that you are lovely, and she is awful, and doesn't deserve you, and nothing I say or do will make you realise that.
It makes me sad that it changed... and that you might not even realise that it has.
It makes me sad that I am so expendable, so discardable, that I am not worth more to you.
It makes me sad that you don't tell me what is going on.
It makes me sad that the emotional side of me wants something that the practical side of me knows is impossible.
It makes me sad that I was so happy.
It makes me sad that no choice I make, no action I take, no word I say will change a gorram thing.
It makes me sad that I keep on hurting myself just because I don't want to admit that the time has come to find some distance.
It makes me sad that every time you pay me the least bit of attention I go right back to thinking you are amazing and then have to deal with losing you all over again.
It makes me sad that time changes everything...
It makes me sad that I am not who I once was.
It makes me sad that I started to believe you.
It makes me sad that I told you I thought I would regret it and I do.
It makes me sad that I can't feel the way I want to, even though I feel like I should be able to control it somehow.
It makes me sad that I am not stronger.
It makes me sad that I am not wiser.
It makes me sad that I am not more resiliant.
It makes me sad that I am not more...
It makes me sad that I am sad now... and that I know that one way or another I will be happy again, and then sad again and so on.
It makes me sad that I want to hold onto this feeling in the hopes it will stop me from getting hurt again.
It makes me sad that I don't have my cds right when I need my music so that I can dance and scream and grieve.


When you go - Johnathan Coulton

There in the frame of your face in the cast of your eyes
I saw this coming but still I am caught by surprise
All of this time I knew
That I’d be losing you
That doesn’t mean that it’s okay
That doesn’t mean I’m ready

./rage

If I had known that was what it took, I actually probably would have done it.
Even at the risk of fucking everything up.
I hate that I am penalised by your lack of balls, or perhaps more accurately that you are controlled by them.

It is one thing when I am on the same scale as everyone else but when I know there is something that could have motivated you to treat me better I would have done it.

And I fucking hate that I have to hear every fucking thing from a 3rd party. Do you not want me to know and not realise that everyone else on the planet tells me shit? Or is it that you just don't actually want to talk to me? Or perhaps, and this might be worse, that you just don't think to tell me or can't be fucked?

Whatever.

Honesty

I have this odd thing about honesty. The difference between someone I hate and someone I love all comes down to - do they lie to me.
That probably isn't entirely true, it is probably more complicated, but it is close enough.
Sometimes I don't tell people things. But I don't lie very often... and here, my very often means that I can't remember the last time I lied. Though I am sure that I have.
Sometimes I can't find the right words to explain myself though...

If I love the person, and they have everything I ever wanted, I can only be happy for them.
If I hate the person, and they have everything I ever wanted, I can only hate them more, if anything.
But I am not designed for hate and anger. And I don't have the confidence to believe I can have what I want over someone else. So instead, I work on changing what I want. I am sorry about that. It must make me confusing, and inconsistant. I bounce from anger, to laughter, to sadness, to inscurity, to acceptance, to blind joy... and I change what I want all the time. I don't envy people who have to deal with that.

Sometimes I wish I knew how to compete... how to reach out for what I want even if I don't stand a chance at ever getting it. It's not even a fear of failure that sets me back. I don't care that I can't win, that I can't have what I want, I know how to accept loss and failure and grief. I just don't even know how to go about expressing that I want it... I might not even quite know what I want, in words. I don't know how to even buy into the game. I wouldn't care that I lost as long as you knew how much I wanted to win. And I should know how to compete... one day, I might be faced with one I CAN win... and I would like to be able to try.

The thing I love most about blogging is that I don't have to make sense. It's all for me. Its like the people who read it are just listening at the keyhole to half the conversation. Does that make you feel like a voyer, just a little bit? :D It's ok, it can be our secret. :)

Hard things

Today I did the hardest thing. The thing that I have been saying I should do for a long time now, and I said it more when I got stressed, and then still more when I got sick, but today I did it (or rather, completed doing it). I left my job. I am signing up to study.
Its huge, and I am terrified. Far more terrified than I am excited, despite what I say. As of today, I stepped away from the boring, stable, predictable life, and now I am unemployed, and the future is rising in front of me... and I have no idea what is coming.
And yet I am holding onto my tiller, and breathing "bring me that horizon". But I don't look like Captain Jack... more is the pity!

My thought of the day is - pain tells us we are hurt. We put our hand into the fire, and it hurts, which tells us if we keep up our action our skin will blister and melt till it is unrepairable.
So what is emotional pain? Does the "heart" do the same thing when we are hurt by the words and deeds of the people we love?
I have been burnt many times in my life, I am resilient, but I also try to anticipate and even avoid those situations.
If someone hurts you, and you are hurt, and then the feeling eases and fades, does it mean the injury is gone, has healed? does it mean that you have forgiven them or dealt with the cause of the pain? or does it mean that you have moved yourself emotionally away from that fire... that person? Is it better to fade away?

I am sad about work, I am sad about saying good bye to my friends, and the people who have been my life for two years. It was hard, and painful.
Don't worry, I am ok. But I laughed as much as cried today.
I am sure that it wouldn't be so funny if it happened to me, of course, but I had to laugh.
And I think... I think that means I am healing, rather than fading now. Of course, I might have faded too far to ever recover, I might have hurt to much to feel beloved by this friend. And it might not ever be the same again. But if I can laugh, who knows how far I can go. Laughter and hope, hand and hand in the sunshine over the sea.

Bring me that horizon.

Words

What He and I talked about last night was healthy for me I think.

About how we hurt the people we care about. About how it is easy to hurt the people who care about us because they will be more forgiving. About hurting people who hurt us, about vindictiveness, about justice, about self preservation.

About how guys will screw anything, and how if the girl displays any interest then the guy will jump endlessly in the hopes of getting over all the hoops and bars she has laid out for him so that she agrees to sleep with him. And that I hate the kind of girls who put out hoops and bars, I have none of my own and I think the girls who do are a waste of space. And that I get frustrated with the kind of guys who will spend all their lives jumping to sleep with girls that they aren't even all that interested in to begin with - even to the point of hurting the people they care about. And therefore when it is someone I care about, the automatic reaction is either to attempt to put out my own hoops and bars, seeing as how the person seems to like them so much - to make them prove themselves to me instead, and how that puts me into competition and makes me miserable; or alternately to wash my hands of the entire thing. About how I often end up feeling that people value the ones in their life who make them work for it with arbitary hoops and bars, and find it easy to put me on the back burner because I don't require "as much work"... which makes me feel worthless.

About communication, and why it is so painful when you try to communicate something important to you to someone important, and they don't care or don't listen or don't understand... or nothing changes. About that feeling of frustration, despair, frustration, rejection.

About selfishness and self-centredness. About imbalenced relationships. About manipulation.

About "shy" (read RUDE) people who hold the power because they make a person feel especially good about themselves because they interact only with a select few. About how they do it that way because it is less work, and because it gives them power. About how they hold those relationships by responding to the extreme to any attention, giving more than they are asked, making their target feel exceptional and then disappearing for a while to make their target miss them and find others shallow in comparison, and then reappearing and giving to the extreme again... and then withdrawing those extremes slowly till their target will go to great lengths to get that level of reaction (or any reaction) again. About how it feels to be the target of that sort of attention, about why it works so effectively.

About youth, and misgivings, and regrets, and maturity.

About various forms of friendships. About the lines between friendship and "romantic relationships". About sex, and what it means and it's level of importance in our lives. About experience, and experiences. About magnetism and chemistry.

About choices. About why people make their choices. About my choices. About what choices I have. About my instincts, and whether I should trust them. About standing by, about trying again (and again and again), about giving up, about disappearing.

About a mistake I almost made when I was feeling secure and stupid and "brave", and about why I didn't make that mistake, and about why I feel good about that now that events have cause the situation to shift. About how sometimes things work about better than we expect, for unlikely reasons. About how pain can also have a bright side, when you look at it from another perspective.

About my low self-esteem and whether that is the cause of most of my problems. I don't believe people actually like me, and I end up feeling very hurt when people seem to be proving me right. And about how I build these really intense friendships with people - I'd do anything for my friends, I would kill for them, die for them, give them the shirt off my back and all my money, pour out my heart and soul, move mountains and travel vast distances, be there any time, even in the middle of the night. And most people don't understand that intensity, they don't return it, or else they are frightened by it, or they misunderstand it. The people who come out the other side, I believe that they love me... though I might not always believe they like me.

About whether or not people in general or people specific (but herein un-named) miss me, or will miss me, or would miss me.

About how sometimes we can not explain why people are close to us, why people are important to us. Sometimes people just stand out like colours before a storm, and sometimes we can barely have spoken to someone and yet we know we care about them. Sometimes we have no reason to trust the people we trust, or love the people we love.

About insecurity. About jealousy. About the differences.

About how people don't understand me, and usually don't put in the effort to.

About my guitar, and guitaring, and song selection, and barr chords. About amps.

About first person shooters, and pvp.

Thank you for that talk. It helps to feel like someone is actually listening, and cares about how I feel.

What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me?

Choices

At the moment, my life is about choices... my musings are about choices.
The choices I make. The choices other people make.

You have to make the right choices for you. You are the only one with you in mind, other people won't make choices based on what is best for you. So you have to make the choices that lead to what you want, that are in your best interests. The choices that lead you to your dreams and desires, that lead you away from harm, and away from pain. And so do I.

In my life, it has happened numerous times that people I care about have made choices that I do not understand... choices that hurt me. They have chosen in their own interests (which they are well entitled to do) and because I haven't understood that at the time, I have ended up being injured because of my choices in how I dealt with their choices.

The choices that always hurt me the most are the choices where a person I love chooses to spend their time and effort on someone other than me, to the exclusion of me.
He decided to date her, and basically ignored me every time she was in the room.
She used me to be close to him.
He brought her to my house knowing how much she had hurt me.
He made jokes at my expense to impress him.
He feel in love with her, and used me to fill the spaces between the times he could have her.

Making a choice that means hurting me, not spending time with me, excluding me in order to be with someone else... that hurts. Sometimes it only hurts a little bit. But when the person who is so important to you that you would cause me that kind of harm is someone I hate... It burns.
It sets fire to my already damaged self esteem. Why am I so easy to cast aside? Why am I so expendable?

I am not signing up for that any more. Now, if you want to choose someone else over me - that is fine. I am choosing someone else over you too. I am choosing me. I am not so short of friends, and people who love me, that I need to lay myself on your table and have you cut on me.

So I have chosen.
I choose me.
For some reason, that makes me feel both very sad, and exultant.

sinking

Sometimes, in life, we hurt the people we care about.
A lot of the time it is accidental. It is in the words that we say when we haven't thought them all the way through, the baby promises we break, the small and unimportant lies we tell, and sometimes, just through honesty.
Today, I feel like I hurt people too often. I tell the truth when I shouldn't, I think. Little things like "I am going to do X" rather than "I don't feel like company", "I need to cook dinner/wash my hair/go over the road for X" instead of "you have upset and hurt me, go away". If I told more small acceptable lies, my life would be easier, and I think that the people in my life would be happier.
Would you be happier if I didn't tell you?" Would you be happier if I pretended?

Sometimes I have bad days. Nothing specific happened, really, and yet here I am. I didn't communicate well and I hurt someone I didn't want to hurt. And I feel like I should add again to that sentence. Life is getting better, but slowly, I am scared of where I am going as well as where I have come from. I don't know what I am doing...

I am so overwhelmed, by things outside of my control, I am nearly inventing new things to be upset about just so that I can fix them again. In my life, right now, I need to feel like something is my choice... because for too long, the world has made all my choices for me.

I want to talk to you... I want to tell you all the things I am thinking, even the things that I haven't told anyone. But I also don't want to talk to you, ever again. I think you would be happier really, I think that way I wouldn't hurt you.
I break things... even if you don't believe it.

I love my Teddy Bear

My problem, I suppose, is that I am naive, and gullible, and I should know better... but I still believe that fundamentally people are good. And the problem with that, is that I am wrong. Fundamentally, most people aren't good at all. Everyone tells me that people aren't trying to take advantage of me, but if that is true, why do so many people manage it?

I miss being surrounded by a group of people who aren't self interested. I miss being surrounded by a group of people who don't have any interest in using that I just can't see when I am being manipulated.
And I miss that group of people who didn't hold my innocence against me.
Why didn't I value you more when I had you? Before you scattered to that cold wind?

Its only when you get burnt that you realize how hot fire can be. And tomorrow, I have to start over... I wont remember that I learnt this.

~Illusionary~

I have discovered that I am in love with the illusion that the world is filled with hope and ideals. My heart warms in the garish light of my television as the protagonists champion brilliant causes and noble dreams.

I wonder sometimes if under all this cynicism and realism (optimists please read pessimism here) there is romanticism... And then I add hopeless to that... And then I giggle and point out to myself that I am not very good at it... And then I remind myself of the romantics (both hopeless and non-hopeless) that I know, and recognize that I don't have their ~thing that I don't have... beauty? wonder? hope (in the case of the non-hopeless)?~ I don't have their romanticism!
And then I make cynical and realistic (optimists please read pessimistic here) comments, and change the topic.

Realisation

I have come to realize that I give too much of myself to people who don't care.
I have come to realize that I can't tell whether people care about me or not, and that is part of the reason why I maintain that no one does. Because too often, people who I think care turn out not to.
I have come to realize that I can't stop giving too much of myself... I try very hard to channel it to people I know care... but I don't always know who they are!
I have come to realize that I am screwed in this regard.

Optimistically, I want to believe.
Pessimistically, I don't think I can believe.
Realistically, being pessimistic hurts less.

today

Today, I hate everyone,
Today, I hate my life,
Today, I get upset over nothing,
Today, I am over it,
Today, I am suspicious,
Today, I am a mess,
Today, I feel totally alone,
Today, I miss you.

Today, I am depressed,
Today, I have no control,
Today, I wish I was a different person,
Today, I can't smile properly,
Today, I think that nobody gets it,
Today, I am a little glad you can't see me like this.

Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out.

Ok, it's about you...

I am the original never-satisfied. I am always pulling things apart and then trying to put them back together.

My writing is kind of a haphazard thing. Either I plan to write, or I don't plan to. Either I plan to write about a topic, or I don't plan to. When I write anything, it tends to just bubble out of me. And then either I hate it or I don't. If I hate it, then I either throw it away or I put it somewhere to be recycled or reworked. If I don't hate it, either I feel it captures whatever I was going for, and I leave it alone, or I feel it doesn't, and I try to rework it. If I leave it alone... I might actually leave it alone, or I might go back to it at a later date and rework it anyway. If I try to rework it, either I hate it or I don't... etc.
Honestly, it is very rare that I ever actually get to a finished product. I only consider two things that I have posted on this blog to be actually finished.

Be nice to me, this is a work in progress!

I think... Yes I think I remember you.
The one who did not break as others do,
The one with lean back and lengthy strides,
The stance of a power who could stop the tides.
The one with the soul that could out-shine the sun,
The one still left standing when all came undone.

I am sure... I am sure I remember you.
And the story of a river where dreams flow true,
And the steps of a dance that you know so well,
And strong hands that kept me above the swell.
I remember a laugh that could re-write the day,
And a sorrow that oceans could not sweep away.

I know... yes I know I remember you.
The one with fierce fire that burns me through,
The one who I lost to the wandering wave,
The one who I love and I could not save,
The one who is searching and has not found yet,
The one who my heart just can not forget.

~Dischord

The day before yesterday, I sent my aunt the poem I wrote about her husband, my uncle, and his dinosaur... you can go back through and find it... you will see I put it up here years ago. She said she really liked it.
Sometimes I wish I was braver, and that I put myself out there more. But I think I am moving slowly towards being who I want to be. I am really glad I sent it to her. I always wanted her to read it. I feel really good about it... even though it is scary. Is it a poem, is it a story, does it have worth if you never share it with anyone? Does the audience define it? I don't think so, but I do feel so... it is hard when your thoughts and your feelings disagree!

Protest

Truth

Please don't be helpful, I don't need help. It may be irrational, but no amount of helpful or uplifting statements will change the crazy eyes that I sometimes see the world with.

Sometimes I think that everyone I know, everyone I love, hurts... and I am the common denominator.
Sometimes, I think that everything I touch breaks.

I am writing something... something that isn't dark or sad (much). And when I get done with it, I will post it. I wanted it to be done by now, but it isn't.