Choices

At the moment, my life is about choices... my musings are about choices.
The choices I make. The choices other people make.

You have to make the right choices for you. You are the only one with you in mind, other people won't make choices based on what is best for you. So you have to make the choices that lead to what you want, that are in your best interests. The choices that lead you to your dreams and desires, that lead you away from harm, and away from pain. And so do I.

In my life, it has happened numerous times that people I care about have made choices that I do not understand... choices that hurt me. They have chosen in their own interests (which they are well entitled to do) and because I haven't understood that at the time, I have ended up being injured because of my choices in how I dealt with their choices.

The choices that always hurt me the most are the choices where a person I love chooses to spend their time and effort on someone other than me, to the exclusion of me.
He decided to date her, and basically ignored me every time she was in the room.
She used me to be close to him.
He brought her to my house knowing how much she had hurt me.
He made jokes at my expense to impress him.
He feel in love with her, and used me to fill the spaces between the times he could have her.

Making a choice that means hurting me, not spending time with me, excluding me in order to be with someone else... that hurts. Sometimes it only hurts a little bit. But when the person who is so important to you that you would cause me that kind of harm is someone I hate... It burns.
It sets fire to my already damaged self esteem. Why am I so easy to cast aside? Why am I so expendable?

I am not signing up for that any more. Now, if you want to choose someone else over me - that is fine. I am choosing someone else over you too. I am choosing me. I am not so short of friends, and people who love me, that I need to lay myself on your table and have you cut on me.

So I have chosen.
I choose me.
For some reason, that makes me feel both very sad, and exultant.