roghnú

It's Irish for choose.
I am been thinking about choosing, and about choices just lately.

Firstly... I have been thinking about choose/choice semantically.
Choose is one of the words that is irreplaceable in english. Looking at the thesaurus entry for choose leads to such words as select or pick. However the virtue of choose as a word is not just the dictionary definition but the accumulated connotations, that prevent words like pick or select from being interchangable. Choose may simply mean to select one from many alternatives, however to choose carrys overtones of essential freedom.
The line is "free to choose" not "at liberty to select", and the word choice is overloaded with that implication, not just in America. If someone says they made a choice, we assume that choice was made without duress... people pick in emergancy situations or when they are forced to; while making a choice may be a difficult action, it is not a action made while constrained or supressed.
Agree? I think that's interesting.

Secondly... I have been thinking about choose/choice existentially.
Different people have different perspectives on what "makes" a person. The nature vs nurture debate stands strong, but additionally different philosophies maintain that "who we are" or "what matters" (whether from a spiritual, religious, or psychological/social perspective) is our actions, or our intentions, or our beliefs, or our kharma (our impact). And one of those philosophical positions is that we, as individuals and as social groups/societies/nations and humans, are the summation of our choices. Free will, in all it's glory and sorrow (and not necessarily with the religious connotations that are sometimes applied to that phrase). I think that's interesting.

Thirdly... I have been thinking about choose/choice practically.
All my life, I have been living in situations where I am free to make my own choices, but the repercusions of my choices effect not just myself. I want to be financially independant, I want to associate with people I like and to avoid people I dislike, I want to make spur of the moment decisions about the evenings plans. And none of the very wonderful people in my life would ever have stopped me from having these things that I want. But making those kinds of decisions effect the people in my life, not just me... Financial independance for example; while my parents approve of no longer being involved in my finances, it means my partner does not reap the benefits of dual incomes. And I want this badly but I realise that in practicality it is not the optimal conditions for him or for me... which makes it very hard to push my desires on the subject, let alone to talk about it reasonably. My options are to behave selfishly and be a bad and inconsiderate person, or to make choices not based on what I want but on what is best for everyone involved in my life.

Oh the things I might have done differently if I had known "then" what I know now. I might have fought harder to be independant from my parents, and I might have spent less money on food and clothes and more money on items that would last me longer and bring me more pleasure. I might have momentos of a time when I was young and independant and had no one to appease but myself. I might not have fallen so completely and thoughtlessly into a long term relationship before I had a chance to be beholden to no one except myself. And perhaps if I had made it all about "my life" back then, I would find it easier to accept that it isn't just my life now. Instead of feeling caged by obligation.

But one of the things I dislike most about myself is that I resent not being able to make decisions with only myself in mind. I do not seem to be able to just be selfish about it, and I do not seem to be able to gracefully accept the benevolent approach either. So instead, I am beneficent and resentful. And I am not just resentful of the people who benefit my efforts, but also of the people who ARE capable of making selfish decisions, and particularly those who make selfish decisions that effect me. It rubs it in... If I could just be more like that, look how I could live, and how much it would hurt the people I care about.
The problem, essentially, is that I don't want to be like that. I want to have been like that and grown out of it. Instead I learnt my lessons from other peoples mistakes, and now I wonder if it was worth it... My mistakes instead seem to be based on being too trusting and too reluctant to hurt people, and sometimes I think maybe the lesson I should have learnt was to be less trusting and more selfish, but the lesson I have come away with is to let less people in.

Ever wonder if you have screwed up everything in your life?

I probably haven't. My life is actually generally pretty awesome, and filled with some amazing people. Some awesome, confusing, crazy people cloaked in questions I can't ask and they can't answer and things I don't understand. Sure some of them are flakey and unreliable and I don't always know whether they care about me as much as I care about them, but in the grand scheme that isn't very relevent. My life is good, and if it isn't what I always dreamed it would be, that is probably a good thing because I was pretty convinced I would be a crazy cat lady and instead I dress in clothes that don't smell like cat pee and I actually get invited out places sometimes. (Back on track) I don't know that life can be this good if you screw it up. But I think I would appreciate it more if I had gotten to this point on a different path. If that is possible. Of course, all this musing changes nothing, I don't think my choices will change in the future because this is just who I am, and I don't think I will resent my life less and hopefully the people who know about this won't hold it against me.
It's just Dragons I guess. At the moment, the world is a little against me. Funny how when things are terrible you can't really talk about it and then when you can talk about it you don't really need to anymore.
I don't really think that is all that interesting, I just had to get it off my chest.

That song

Got that song on repeat again.

Apparently this behaviour isn't entirely normal?

Do you do this? Get stuck on a song, listen to it on repeat, over and over, for hours, days, keep coming back to it, hear it and think "I love this song, hang on, I will just listen to it again" and later someone comes in and says "I swear that same song was playing earlier" and then they look at you strangely when they realise you have listened to the same song for the last 3 hours?

I really love this song. I loved it the minute I heard it. I don't get tired of it, no matter how many times I hear it. When I put on my music, I look forward to this song coming on, even if its on the playlist with all my favourite music... it's still this song I am waiting for. And I don't really know why. I love the vocalists voices, I love the simplicity of the lyrics, the repetition, I love the melody, I love the beat, I love the way it gains complexity throughout the song, I love the crescendo, the ritenuto at the end.

And I wish I could do this. Come up with a song that someone just can't put down.

Of course, I'd have to turn off this song to do that. Maybe I will just listen to it one more time... Maybe in a few hours...
Good thing I don't compose music actually...

30 days of music

So my beautiful best friend was going to post a song every day for 30 days as a way to prompt herself to write in her blog more. But she stopped posting at day 11. I expect this is because she has a life and it snuck up on her.

And I thought it was a cool idea. But to be honest, I happen to know that I can't write in a blog daily. Or weekly. Sometimes I can't write monthly. And certainly not about the same thing. So I decided to cheat. Because, you know, I can. So instead of making 30 posts, I am going to put all thirty songs in one post, and then if you just come back to this post and listen to 1 song per day, you will have 30 days worth of songs! Great plan huh? Its actually driven by my need for each post to be about one idea. When you all steal this idea, you still have to do it one post per song. Unless you have a good reason that you can't articulate very well not to, like I do...

~
Day 01: Your favourite song
Shimmer by Fuel

Day 02: Your least favourite song
Achy Breaky Heart by Billy Ray Cyrus
Its ok, you don't have to listen to this one. I am right there with you.

Day 03: A song that makes you happy
They can't take that away by Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong

Day 04: A song that makes you sad
The green fields of france by the Fureys
There are many renditions of this song. I love the Dropkick Murphys and they do a great version too. But my favourite version is the Fureys one, because they play it sad and slow and sweet, and the heavier Irish accent makes it feel more conversational.

Day 05: A song that reminds you of someone
Nothing to prove by Carolines Spine

Day 06: A song that reminds you of somewhere
What's going on by Four non blondes

Day 07: A song that reminds you of a certain event
Opiate by Tool

Day 08: A song that you know all the words to
Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin

Day 09: A song that you can dance to
Brown eyed girl by Van Morrison

Day 10: A song that makes you fall asleep
Hushabye Mountain by Dick Van Dyke

Day 11: A song from your favourite band
Somewhere out there by Our lady peace

Day 12: A song from a band you hate
Tik Tok by Ke$ha
if that counts as music... You don't have to listen to this either.

Day 13: A song that is a guilty pleasure
Shake it by Metro Station
It isn't my usual genre, it isn't up to my usual standards of lyrical content, but it makes me smile.

Day 14: A song that no one would expect you to love
Have yourself a merry little christmas by Frank Sinatra
I like christmas carols. As a general rule though, I hate christmas songs. Generally I find them tacky and obnoxious. In fact, I hate other versions of this song. But I do love a little Sinatra... Somehow he makes this song into a good song, in my opinion.

Day 15: A song that describes you
White flags by Our lady peace

Day 16: A song that you used to love but now hate
Why don't you get a job? by offspring

Day 17: A song that you hear often on the radio
Fireflies by Owl City

Day 18: A song that you wish you heard on the radio
Tears don't Fall by Bullet for my valentine

Day 19: A song from your favourite album
Black Balloon by the Goo goo dolls

Day 20: A song that you listen to when you’re angry
All I really want by Alanis Morrisette

Day 21: A song that you listen to when you’re happy
When I am king by Great big sea

Day 22: A song that you listen to when you’re sad
Your winter by Sister Hazel

Day 23: A song that you want to play at your wedding
Kissing you by De'sree

Day 24: A song that you want to play at your funeral
Gravedigger by Dave Matthews Band

Day 25: A song that makes you laugh
The big bang theory by barenaked ladies

Day 26: A song that you know how to play
With a little help from my friends by the Beatles

Day 27: A song that you wish you could play
Kandi by One eskimo

Day 28: A song that makes you feel guilty
Not an addict by K's choice
This song is so easy to relate to, and then you start wondering why...

Day 29: A song from your childhood
Morning Town Ride by the seekers
Actually, my favourite version is my dads.

Day 30: Your favourite song at this time last year
Possibility by Lykke Li