aftershock

I know your secret. I know your secret and you didn't tell me yourself, making it even worse.
You were sure I would get upset about it, so you didn't tell me... what, to spare me the pain? Did you not realise I would find out, that I would have to know eventually?
So guess what? Someone else told me instead.
Now, not only am I hurt and distressed and angry with your choice, but I am hurt and upset and angry that you didn't tell me, that you have been withholding the information... basically lieing to me by pretending that nothing had changed.

If you had told me, I would have said I thought it was a bad choice. I would have said that it would effect our friendship a little, that we couldn't go on as normal but that we could still be friends.
Now... I don't actually think we are friends any more. I am not sure... but how can you be friends with someone who lies to you? how can you be friends with someone that you can't trust because they wont tell you the whole truth, and will make decisions that effect you and with-hold the information because they don't want to 'hurt' you, or they don't want you to be able to factor it into your decisions?
You didn't want me to make this choice? You can't influence my decisions any more than I can influence yours, and if you don't respect me enough to let me make my own choices then we aren't friends anyway.

This realisation would have left me curled up on the floor, shaking and sobbing and trying to breathe... but despite your lies and assurances, I admit I have been bracing for it. I have been guessing, from your silence. So I am not in tears yet, I am not shaking yet. I am sad, but I am calm. Maybe I am growing up, or maybe I am becoming jaded - what does it mean when the dissappointments and the betrayals and the lies of the world and the people in it no long leave you in tears and in shock and in pain?