I wish.
I wish that I could not see. So I would not see the sorrow of others. He ends his relationship. He meets another girl, loves her all consuming. Then he decides he does not love her. He ends the relationship. He meets another girl. Would it help if I said - you should expect this from him, he did it to the one before you, he does it to you, he will do it to the one who follow you. He is a serial killer of hearts, it is his MO (modus operandi - way of doing things). Would it help her to know that he will be empty all his life, for he does not know what love is, does not recognise it, does not know that it is more than a feeling in his gut? She is still hurting. And he does not know what pain is, the pain of a love spurned by one who is ignorant of the extent of feeling. She feels at the edges, fully and freely, she knows complete joy and deepest sorrow, the searing pain and the soothing calmness. He knows nothing of this, he is passionless, he is ever at the emotionless middle.
He thinks that we shall be friends forever. He cannot fathom the contempt I feel for him over the agony he thoughtlessly plasters over the innocent faces of the strangers that I come to love.
I wish that I could not see. So I could not see him running in circles as a dog chasing his tail, and savagely tearing at the gentle hearts that reach to help him. So I could not see how she will stand tall, and walk on, bleeding and believing that she is dead inside but still walking. So I could not see how I have come to love and failed so miserably to help this proud little warrior.
I see that you are broken.
It has been done again,
He goes inside and tears you to pieces.
I am sorry.
I could no more stop it than the tide.
I can not heal you;
You wished for this.
And I;
Have no more duct tape.
I wish that I had written this about the afforementioned situation. It kills me that He is not the first of my friends that I have shed like a dying skin for the pain they inflict on others. That is the saddest part. Now I must choose a path, and no path that I can see is without blood or tear shed. Some one will hurt here. Even my inaction is not an easy option. None of this would have happened if He had a thought for the people around Him.
Do you think its unfair to ask someone to become a different person?
5 comments:
I know it's probably not about me, but I can so related to the feeling.
You do have a gift in writing, so don't give it up. Reading your blog makes my heart tremble and alive.
I am glad that you are enjoying it :)
Do not doubt yourself for a moment sweetheart, but it is you that I am writing about. Not the only person, but mostly you. You are my little warrior. And I very much believe that you are strong enough, and beautiful enough, to walk through the pain. Remember that I am here, asking "how are you?" whenever you need me.
It was really me? Wow! How sad! I thought I did a great job to cover up my sorrow during my last visit. Sorry that I didn't tell you the whole story. I wanted to, but I didn't know how you would have reacted and I wasn't ready. How did you find out?
It amazes me how vivid you can portray some of my feelings without talking to me. It even took myself months to actually realise their existence and you could just know. (Who has you been talking to?) I can feel, but I couldn't put them down in words. However, you did a wonderful job to describe them precisely for me and I feel so relieved after reading it over and over again.
Thank you, sweetpea
It didn't take much of a guess really. I have known him for a long time baby, I know what he is like, and he doesn't tend to surprise me much. I was around when he ended his last relationship, I have seen him in action. A little from your blog, a comment from a dear friend of mine in relation to a new girl, and a lot of experience spelt it out for me.
When you visited I could see sorrow in you sweetheart. And I could see strength there too. So I didn't worry about you. :) I didn't think you came to us for a shoulder. You needed fun, something normal. Its important that when you hurt you have somewhere to go to cry and somewhere to go to smile. So that the world can keep turning for you, and the hurt can fade.
I don't know everything, but I know that it helps to see that other people understand what you are going through. We love you. We are there for you.
You were probably right not to tell me the details. I was pretty angry at him. I am pretty angry at him. But those are my feelings, and you have enough of your own feelings to deal with. Its better that I worked out, so that you didn't have to deal with my anger on top of everything else.
Did you get my email?
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