Please don't be helpful, I don't need help. It may be irrational, but no amount of helpful or uplifting statements will change the crazy eyes that I sometimes see the world with.
Sometimes I think that everyone I know, everyone I love, hurts... and I am the common denominator.
Sometimes, I think that everything I touch breaks.
I am writing something... something that isn't dark or sad (much). And when I get done with it, I will post it. I wanted it to be done by now, but it isn't.
Friday, February 06, 2009
Thursday, August 28, 2008
shock
I wrote something! Its been so long, I wondered if I remembered how...
Rewind.
I haven't written anything since... last year?
And by "anything" I mean anything other than paragraphs saying "what the hell am I doing? I need to change my life."
And then I ... did something for myself, something hard for me to do, and something that I was afraid of. Something that I don't really want to go into, but suffice it to say that I took on a dragon.
Anyway, in the overflow from the epic battle, I have been doing a little bit better.
I have gotten some sleep, and am closer to back on top of it all. I should clarify that I didn't kill the dragon, I didn't really even make it go away. I just stopped it from eating me. But in all honesty, I am feeling pretty damn good about that.
Anyway, so then, cause I wasn't eaten and all, I managed to open a door.
In real terms, I got back to communicating with someone very important to me. And that was really empowering. So then I got really, really brave, and I shared one of my songs.
Did you know I write songs? I don't really tell people that... I have such issues around my singing voice, when I was young my sister hated me singing (whether this is because of my voice, or because she is my sister is an issue hotly debated). Now I don't sing in public very often, and given that I can't WRITE music, it only exists in my head... if I told people that I wrote songs, then they might want to hear them.
And then I found a book I have written up songs I wrote in. And then yesterday, I sat down and actually wrote something! Not a song, but my first something for about a year. Lets continue to clarify, I am not saying its any GOOD, but that it exists is huge for me. So I thought I would share it, because then not only would I know that it happened, but I can revisit it happening later.
There were paths etched out in moonlight through the branches
And we hesitated, suddenly in doubt;
For which path would lead us safe into the sunlight,
And taking one, on what might we miss out?
Then bravely did we set our feet to wander
By different paths. And what I'll always rue:
I took a path that led into the daytime,
And not a path that led me back to you.
- Dischord
Rewind.
I haven't written anything since... last year?
And by "anything" I mean anything other than paragraphs saying "what the hell am I doing? I need to change my life."
And then I ... did something for myself, something hard for me to do, and something that I was afraid of. Something that I don't really want to go into, but suffice it to say that I took on a dragon.
Anyway, in the overflow from the epic battle, I have been doing a little bit better.
I have gotten some sleep, and am closer to back on top of it all. I should clarify that I didn't kill the dragon, I didn't really even make it go away. I just stopped it from eating me. But in all honesty, I am feeling pretty damn good about that.
Anyway, so then, cause I wasn't eaten and all, I managed to open a door.
In real terms, I got back to communicating with someone very important to me. And that was really empowering. So then I got really, really brave, and I shared one of my songs.
Did you know I write songs? I don't really tell people that... I have such issues around my singing voice, when I was young my sister hated me singing (whether this is because of my voice, or because she is my sister is an issue hotly debated). Now I don't sing in public very often, and given that I can't WRITE music, it only exists in my head... if I told people that I wrote songs, then they might want to hear them.
And then I found a book I have written up songs I wrote in. And then yesterday, I sat down and actually wrote something! Not a song, but my first something for about a year. Lets continue to clarify, I am not saying its any GOOD, but that it exists is huge for me. So I thought I would share it, because then not only would I know that it happened, but I can revisit it happening later.
There were paths etched out in moonlight through the branches
And we hesitated, suddenly in doubt;
For which path would lead us safe into the sunlight,
And taking one, on what might we miss out?
Then bravely did we set our feet to wander
By different paths. And what I'll always rue:
I took a path that led into the daytime,
And not a path that led me back to you.
- Dischord
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Flight of dragons
I am in the worlds most terrible mood, I am at work and I am raging angry at nothing, so warning, what follows might be rubbish and might not be very nice.
On the day the dragons came the world stopped for an instant. No one noticed, because everything stopped. heartbeats paused, and thoughts hung and sentences were suspended half uttered. And then the world went on again and no one was any the wiser. No one knew when the dragons came, no one knew where they came from, or why they came, or even what they were. No one knew what they looked like. No one knew they were there.
They move in shadows, and are shadows in part. When they are about the world seems bleak and grey, the shadows seem longer and darker. They can make colours stand out brightly against one another. The sweeping and untargetable sadness? that is the dragons. The empty, lonely questions? in them lies the dragons. The futile sourceless anger, the niggling doubt is called out by dragons. When the dragons gaze sweeps over you, your entire body shudders. People say "someone walked over my grave", but the dragons gaze knows more of death than any other, and souls flinch from them.
They come and go, from shadow to shadow, from darkness to darkness, unheralded. We all fight them, some better than others. I do not know if they can be conquered.
But I know there are more now than there were.
On the day the dragons came the world stopped for an instant. No one noticed, because everything stopped. heartbeats paused, and thoughts hung and sentences were suspended half uttered. And then the world went on again and no one was any the wiser. No one knew when the dragons came, no one knew where they came from, or why they came, or even what they were. No one knew what they looked like. No one knew they were there.
They move in shadows, and are shadows in part. When they are about the world seems bleak and grey, the shadows seem longer and darker. They can make colours stand out brightly against one another. The sweeping and untargetable sadness? that is the dragons. The empty, lonely questions? in them lies the dragons. The futile sourceless anger, the niggling doubt is called out by dragons. When the dragons gaze sweeps over you, your entire body shudders. People say "someone walked over my grave", but the dragons gaze knows more of death than any other, and souls flinch from them.
They come and go, from shadow to shadow, from darkness to darkness, unheralded. We all fight them, some better than others. I do not know if they can be conquered.
But I know there are more now than there were.
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