grey day

It saddens me how the people who claim to love me most in the world have no qualms about ruining my day... How did I end up with so many people in my life who are happy to off load on to me, and so few who I can talk to?

I started writing here because I had so much I needed to talk about, and no one to talk to. And little by little I told people I care about that it was here, because like most people I don't really want to be talking to the dragons. But so often now when I say anything at all, someone takes it personally or gets upset by it. And I do understand that because people care, theoretically they get upset or hurt when I am. But I don't need empathy really, I am want someone to hear me. Just to know what is going on without getting emotive about it. Because I care about the people in my life too, and when people get upset by my problems I try to make them feel better instead of myself and I end up not talking to them about it. And I can't stop doing that, I have tried.

To use an old metaphor, I have surrounded myself with knights and warriors and lords and amazons... and what I need now is a confidant.
Which is not at all meant to devalue the people I have in my life, the people I love. Because they are wonderful, and make my life amazing, and I wouldn't trade them for a second. And I am sure that many people would offer to be there for me, because my friends are wonderful people. But... I guess, just at the moment, I feel really lonely.

Its ok, it is fixable, I just needed to get it off my chest so I can move past it.

fairness

I have been unfair to her. While there are things about her that I do not like, I have hated her for the wrong reasons. I hated her because I could not bear to blame him for the hurt he caused me.

As she (to my knowledge) does not know I disliked her, there isn't much point in giving this appology to her. It would require too much back story, too much explaination. But I have to make it all the same.

This is my appology to the girl who I have wronged.

Missing

A thing happened (which is unimportant), and I got to thinking as I do.
Sometimes, people in my life go away, for whatever reason... They fall in love, they are searching for the undefinable thing that will make their life "thingish", they dream an impossible dream and it leads them to tilt at windmills far away, whatever...

And it often surprises me how I feel about it.

I have a friend who is far away, who I hadn't seen for a long time before he went but it hurts and I miss him every day. And yet another friend who was an active part of my life who I now haven't spoken to for a long time cause he has other stuff that is more important to him and I expected to be really hurt and miss him heaps but I don't.

I couldn't have anticipated these reactions.

Is it because my distant friend is closer to me, or has been a friend longer? or because I suspect that he is unhappy? or is it that I anticipated my other friend leaving my life? or that I am happier now? Maybe I miss my distant friend so much I don't have room for more?

I guess it isn't important. But I like where my headspace is right now. I have the right people in my life, and the right amount of activity and challenge (I do wish my distant friend would come home though, it would be icing for an already superior cake).
... I have started to write again ... though we will see if anything readable comes of it ...