./rage

If I had known that was what it took, I actually probably would have done it.
Even at the risk of fucking everything up.
I hate that I am penalised by your lack of balls, or perhaps more accurately that you are controlled by them.

It is one thing when I am on the same scale as everyone else but when I know there is something that could have motivated you to treat me better I would have done it.

And I fucking hate that I have to hear every fucking thing from a 3rd party. Do you not want me to know and not realise that everyone else on the planet tells me shit? Or is it that you just don't actually want to talk to me? Or perhaps, and this might be worse, that you just don't think to tell me or can't be fucked?

Whatever.

Honesty

I have this odd thing about honesty. The difference between someone I hate and someone I love all comes down to - do they lie to me.
That probably isn't entirely true, it is probably more complicated, but it is close enough.
Sometimes I don't tell people things. But I don't lie very often... and here, my very often means that I can't remember the last time I lied. Though I am sure that I have.
Sometimes I can't find the right words to explain myself though...

If I love the person, and they have everything I ever wanted, I can only be happy for them.
If I hate the person, and they have everything I ever wanted, I can only hate them more, if anything.
But I am not designed for hate and anger. And I don't have the confidence to believe I can have what I want over someone else. So instead, I work on changing what I want. I am sorry about that. It must make me confusing, and inconsistant. I bounce from anger, to laughter, to sadness, to inscurity, to acceptance, to blind joy... and I change what I want all the time. I don't envy people who have to deal with that.

Sometimes I wish I knew how to compete... how to reach out for what I want even if I don't stand a chance at ever getting it. It's not even a fear of failure that sets me back. I don't care that I can't win, that I can't have what I want, I know how to accept loss and failure and grief. I just don't even know how to go about expressing that I want it... I might not even quite know what I want, in words. I don't know how to even buy into the game. I wouldn't care that I lost as long as you knew how much I wanted to win. And I should know how to compete... one day, I might be faced with one I CAN win... and I would like to be able to try.

The thing I love most about blogging is that I don't have to make sense. It's all for me. Its like the people who read it are just listening at the keyhole to half the conversation. Does that make you feel like a voyer, just a little bit? :D It's ok, it can be our secret. :)

Hard things

Today I did the hardest thing. The thing that I have been saying I should do for a long time now, and I said it more when I got stressed, and then still more when I got sick, but today I did it (or rather, completed doing it). I left my job. I am signing up to study.
Its huge, and I am terrified. Far more terrified than I am excited, despite what I say. As of today, I stepped away from the boring, stable, predictable life, and now I am unemployed, and the future is rising in front of me... and I have no idea what is coming.
And yet I am holding onto my tiller, and breathing "bring me that horizon". But I don't look like Captain Jack... more is the pity!

My thought of the day is - pain tells us we are hurt. We put our hand into the fire, and it hurts, which tells us if we keep up our action our skin will blister and melt till it is unrepairable.
So what is emotional pain? Does the "heart" do the same thing when we are hurt by the words and deeds of the people we love?
I have been burnt many times in my life, I am resilient, but I also try to anticipate and even avoid those situations.
If someone hurts you, and you are hurt, and then the feeling eases and fades, does it mean the injury is gone, has healed? does it mean that you have forgiven them or dealt with the cause of the pain? or does it mean that you have moved yourself emotionally away from that fire... that person? Is it better to fade away?

I am sad about work, I am sad about saying good bye to my friends, and the people who have been my life for two years. It was hard, and painful.
Don't worry, I am ok. But I laughed as much as cried today.
I am sure that it wouldn't be so funny if it happened to me, of course, but I had to laugh.
And I think... I think that means I am healing, rather than fading now. Of course, I might have faded too far to ever recover, I might have hurt to much to feel beloved by this friend. And it might not ever be the same again. But if I can laugh, who knows how far I can go. Laughter and hope, hand and hand in the sunshine over the sea.

Bring me that horizon.